confessions of a life double-lived

I have many stay-at-home mom type of friends. Most of them make comments to me along these lines...

"How do you find time to do it all?"

or

"You're amazing! I just don't know how you manage to do it all! I hardly have time to keep up with the house!"

These comments are usually said in an envying tone of voice.

The truth? I don't do it all! I am trying to cram two lives into the space of one, and it just doesn't all fit.

When I get up in the morning, I am usually dragging from going to bed too late the night before. Once the kids are dropped off at school, I mentally drop all thoughts concerning family and home and bend all my thoughts and will to my work life.

MY WORK LIFE

I love my job! There are almost 1,000 kids at my school (this does not include the 200 or so kindergartners who don't come to specialties). Each one of them believes they have a close and personal relationship with me. I cannot go anywhere in the school without being hailed, chased down, and hugged by someone or many little someones. I don't eat the cafeteria food because going in there when it is full of students is just a bit overwhelming.

I have 1/4 of those kids coming to my class during any given term. So I know about 250 kids' names on sight at any given time in the year, and many, many more names that remain with me all year because those kids are so memorable.

I cannot go anywhere in the Northern part of the county without running into students, parents, and former students. My family is used to me being suddenly attacked by flying little hugging kids who want me to meet their mom and dad. The other day, Helena and I were trying to order lunch at Subway when the young man behind the counter said, "You used to be my teacher!" He is now in college. I had a former student (now a bagger at a local grocery store) tell me that she is now married and has a little girl! Heavy sigh, those encounters make me feel old!

All of this probably sounds wonderful, right?

My contract is part-time so that I can live my other life of being a wife and mother. That means I don't stay at school long enough to take the time I really want to spend there. I am way behind in the grading. I have PILES AND PILES of things needing to be filed! I was not as quick to order the clay as I should have been and now I am stressed about whether it will arrive in time to do a clay project with the 4th grade before time runs out.

When I pull out of the parking lot at work, I mentally turn off all thoughts of students and work. All my thoughts turn to my kids, my husband, and my home.

MY HOME LIFE

I am usually 15 minutes late picking the kids up from school. The laundry piles up and ends up being washed on Sunday because Saturday is not enough time to do it all. The house cleaning is haphazard, at best. I don't cook at all. 'Fend for yourself' is standard practice around here. I don't have the time I would like for myself. I don't have time to paint, and I don't have time to exercise.

However, I have a really good relationship with my kids and my husband. My kids are good kids and I am proud of who they are becoming. I like to spend time with them, and I hope they like to spend time with me! How many moms can say that their 15 year old daughter confides in them?

So, yes.... I live two lives. Neither is lived to it's fullest potential. The stress has my face in constant acne breakouts. I sometimes have mental breakdowns when it all becomes too much to handle.

Would I change it?

NO!

What to do on a Saturday afternoon?

This photo was taken a week ago(?). Will had his friend, Dale over. They got bored waiting for a chance to play video games (Helena and I were studying her Biology together in the room with the TV in it, so they just had to wait). To alleviate the boredom, they pulled the old slot car set out of the garage and had a go at it! I think they enjoyed it quite a bit, actually. It certainly kept them from checking on the study session progress!

What a view!

This is the view of Utah Valley that I see every day from the school I teach at. Not from my classroom windows, of course. My classroom windows face a lovely blacktop and portable classrooms. The classrooms at the front of the school have this view, however.

The big white area is Utah Lake, which was still frozen at the time of this picture, about a week ago. That is why there is no reflection on it. Now the lake is thawed out.

Will is ready to try a new sport!

Will came home the other day telling me about boys at school bringing Lacrosse sticks to 'play around' with during lunch break. The next day, I got an e-mail from his football coach announcing the start of Spring Lacrosse season and encouraging the football players to try it out as an off-season sport to stay in shape.

I brought home the flyer and Will got really excited! He started web surfing all the info he could find. I've been trying to drum up some enthusiasm in him to go out for track with very little success. What's a Mom to do?

I signed him up yesterday, rented his gear today, and he is off to his first practice tomorrow! There are links to the US Lacrosse website and the local chapter's web site in the side bar web link list.

I will say one thing for Helena's ballet... it makes everything else seem cheap! Registration and gear for the entire Lacrosse season cost less than one month of ballet tuition!

Now we get to enjoy a spring full of sport activity! I will post photos and video as they happen... so stay tuned!

Will's Jazz band struggles

Will enjoys playing his trumpet. He doesn't enjoy getting up early to go to Jazz band. He also doesn't practice like he should.

He has been more and more reluctant to go to Jazz band because he is falling farther and farther behind the ability curve due to lack of practice. Go figure.

What he really wants is to play his trumpet in the Concert Band again.

However, he doesn't want to give up the Baritone (Euphonium), either.

He loves the awesome, deep bass tones it makes. He doesn't like jumping from Treble clef to Bass clef. I pointed out that piano players have to read both at the same time. He didn't appreciate the input. Hee, hee, hee!

The reality is, there are too many trumpets in the Concert band, so the competition for that part is really stiff. He wouldn't do well as a trumpet player in that band because there are so many other players who actually practice consistently! There is always a shortage of bass brass players, so it is a good fit for my son. The band teacher will be more patient with him and will work with me on encouraging Will to practice.

The Jazz band is voluntary, so anyone who is willing to show up for class is welcome. Again, a good fit for my son who is still working on building good practicing habits.

An A- to celebrate!

Helena got an A- on her Unit 8 Biology test!!!!

This is a major victory for her. She has been struggling with this subject all year. She is more of a Humanities kind of girl. She does very well in the arts, history and languages. Math and Science are a stretch for her. She studied hard, though!

Way to go sweetie! I am proud of you!

Girls are SO FORWARD!

Will knows not to call anyone after 9 p.m.

Last night, Bill and I were settling in for the night, quietly discussing our day before going to sleep. Bill paused and said, "Do you hear a radio on?" We both paused to listen... and heard Will's voice from downstairs.

We had sent the kids to bed an hour earlier.

At first, I theorized that the kids were up and visiting with each other. That is, until Bill asked, "Did you take his cell phone away tonight?"

For the past month, or so, he has had to surrender his phone before going to bed.

I went downstairs. Sure enough, Will was on the phone! Searching the call log, I discovered that, once again, the conversations were instigated by the girl! Will never calls, but he doesn't seem to mind keeping up his end of the conversation once she calls.

When I entered the room he hung up on her! Oops! She tried to call back, but hung up immediately when I answered instead of Will. Double oops!

You know, I would NEVER have called a boy late at night when I was 12! Mom and dad would have had a FIT if there was any boy/girl type stuff going on in seventh grade!

Will is incredibly good looking, in my Mom opinion.

No, I am not terribly concerned. He spends all his free time having air soft wars with his buddies, playing shoot 'em up video games, and joining the Chess Club and the Axis and Allies Club at school. I wonder what exactly she does see in him, in fact. Other that the good looks, of course!

How do you spell STRESS?

I have two spellings for the word.

My first spelling is BALLET. Helena's ballet is the biggest expense we have outside of the standard home mortgage. It is even bigger than our car payment. No this is not a photo of Helena, but it is a photo of a former dancer from her ballet company.

This summer, Helena's ballet company will be travelling to Europe for 10+ days of touring. I remember the company girls going on this trip 5 years ago when Helena was a little dancer!

Most of the trip will be spent at the Austria Tanzsommer festival, with side trips to Venice, Amsterdam, London, and Paris! The trip is, of course, incredibly expensive. Bill and I decided early on to do everything in our power to send Helena on this trip. What is the point of spending years of dedicated hard work in a grueling discipline if you don't get the huge reward offered for your efforts?

Of course, we didn't realize the economy would have such a strong impact on our lives. The company Bill works for is in a job slump right now and has laid off all but a core of 7 guys; Bill being one of the seven, thankfully! His paychecks have been smaller than usual because he is working fewer hours.

We have about 1/2 of the trip paid for so far. I stress about how to pay the remainder, especially the airfare, which will probably need to be paid very shortly. I am feverishly filling out taxes so I can receive the refund ASAP!

The other spelling is FINANCES. This is probably a spelling of stress for many people these days. You know, we only have one credit card. I have a balance on it, unfortunately. They just sent me a notification that they are going to raise my rate to 17.9%!!! Is this because I missed a payment or two? NO!!! It is 'due to the current economic conditions and the length of time I have been a customer'. HUNH?! I have been a customer for 15 years! I pay more than the minimum each month!

I have heard that this is happening to many people across the country. I even got a phone solicitation (even though I am on the 'do not call' list) from a company that works with all the major credit card companies offering to 'mediate' for $30.00 a month. I told him to 'take a hike'!

So... I am going to cancel the credit card. I don't seriously entertain any hopes that I will be able to get another one with a decent rate right now, so we are going to live sans credit for a while. It scares me because we have no cushion and very little self control. I am hoping that this will force us to be more fiscally responsible.

I suppose all of this sounds incredible... finances are terrible but you are sending your daughter to Europe?! You know, life goes on and it is not all about money. Helena will have experiences that cannot be weighed and measured with a money stick. I feel like sending her is the best use of what little money I do have!

A photo of Will

Helena took this photo of Will on the day he got back from the Klondike. She agrees that he is incredibly handsome! His hair is now cut much shorter, by the way.

The Ward Family Valentine's Dance

Our church has an activities committee which my husband and I are fortunate to be members of. It was decided that we should have a family Valentine's Day dance in the 'Cultural Hall' (a.k.a.... the Gym) of the church building. Church members were encouraged to bring a wedding photo and /or family photo to display on a table at one end of the room and a plate of treats for the table on the other end of the room. Someone brought a stereo with huge speakers and set them up on the stage.

I thought the event had a pretty good turnout, and everyone had lots of fun socializing, if not dancing. I should say that all the married couples took to the dance floor during the slow songs, and all the energetic folks, old and young, took to the dance floor on the fast ones.

Will stated emphatically that he WOULD NOT dance; not even with his mother. After a while, though, I convinced all the boys his age to line up and do the Can-Can, Will included!

After that, he seemed to unwind some and danced with his buddies. He even contemplated the reward of $10.00 that Jeremy Haws was offering to whichever of the 11-13 year old boys who would go ask Kelsey S. to dance a slow dance! Poor Kelsey! I told the boys that he should have offered to pay her the $10.00 for putting up with dancing with one of them! In the end, none of the boys was brave enough. She is a VERY cute girl!

Helena danced several times with her Daddy, since there was simply no one her age at the party. Still, I think she had a good time.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I thought this would be a good day to retell how Bill and I first met.

It was December of 1992. I was a student at BYU. I had a boyfriend named Kevin at the time. We weren't seriously dating, I should add. In fact, he had just suggested that we not be mutually exclusive (meaning, he had met a cute girl he would like to get to know without feeling like he was 'cheating' on me). I was fine with that because I wasn't looking for a serious relationship at the time, either.

Kevin and I went ice skating at Seven Peaks on a Friday night. I really enjoy ice skating, so on Saturday, I suggested to my room-mates that we should go. So, on Saturday evening, we piled into my Honda Civic and went! While skating with my room-mates that night, I noticed a really handsome man skating by himself. I mean REALLY handsome! He was thin, but well proportioned, with dark brown hair, blue eyes, and a blindingly white smile in a tanned face. His eyes twinkled when he smiled at me as he passed.

I really wanted to meet him! I couldn't think of any way except to be forward and skate up to him and strike up a conversation... which I did! I am not usually that outgoing around strangers (or, I should say, I wasn't then), but I knew that even if he thought I was a total idiot, it wasn't likely that I would ever see him again. My first words to him were, "Are you here alone?"

My room-mates were disgruntled, I think, to find that I had abandoned them for this good looking man. One of them was tired and worn out, this being her first attempt at ice skating. They wanted to go home, but I was their ride. I told Bill (because, of course, that is who the handsome man was) that I would have to go take my room-mates home and that it was nice to meet him. His response was, " can you drop them off and come back? I'll pay to get you back in if you need it."

So, I took my room-mates home and went straight back to the skating rink. They probably all thought I'd lost my mind! He was a complete stranger!

We skated for another hours or so, I can't really remember. I do remember that it was snowing heavily (it was an outdoor rink) and we couldn't see the blades of our skates because the snow was so thick on the ice. Finally, the rink management closed the rink early due to the fact that the Zamboni machine couldn't keep the ice cleared of snow. It had been so magical, though! Skating with a handsome young man through the falling snow!

When the rink closed, Bill asked if I would go to dinner with him. I agreed and climbed into his old Ford truck, leaving my Civic in the rink parking lot. Mom would have probably had a screaming fit at that! After dinner, Bill drove me back to my car, started it for me, brushed the snow off of it, and scraped the ice from the windshield so I could get back to my apartment safely.

And the rest is history!

Happy Valentine's day, everyone!!!

Helena's portrait update

It is taking forever to paint this! I can only work on it when classes are quietly working. I may have to go to the school to work on it on my days off if I hope to finish it any time soon!

Cross Country Skiing

I AM SOOOOO SORE! We had a great time! Helena had me French braid her hair, and it promptly fell out. She will probably HATE this photo.

So, there were only TWO chaperons and one teacher for 85 students! The other chaperon drove separately with her son because he is a special needs student and was unable to stay for the entire time. That left the teacher and me for two buses of kids. Fortunately, most of the kids were very well behaved.

The bus sorted out just like it used to when I was a kid. I guess things don't change that much. The goof off boys sat in the back. The quiet kids sat in front. The socialites sat in the middle and dominated all conversation. I bet you can guess where Helena sat. Yup, she was right in the middle! On the way up the mountain, they were all very cheerful and noisy, laughing and teasing one another. The ride home was much more subdued, with kids falling asleep all over the place. The only scare we had was when Helena couldn't locate her digital camera until a friend found it in Helena's coat hood!

Once we got there and got our gear, Helena waited for me while I helped some boys find the right sized boots. Yes, she waited for me! She and her group of girlfriends included me in their group on our first trip out on the trails. The teacher had said that there were easier trails, like the City Slicker; and there were harder trails, like The Roller Coaster. After we set out, though, we kinda lost track of signs and just followed whichever trail Helena and her friends felt like going on.

The trail they went on sure had a lot of climbing! I had a really hard time negotiating one steep hairpin turn. I kept sliding back down no matter what I tried to do with my skis! Finally, I cut across the hairpin to the deep powder off the trail and made it up in that!

While the upward climbing was hard work, the downhill parts were really very fun! And in case you couldn't guess, we found out when we got back to the lodge that the girls had chosen The Roller Coaster quite by accident!

It was a first time cross country skiing for both Helena and I. We managed very nicely as long as we were moving! I fell over several times, 5 in all, I think. The funny thing, though, is that I did not fall over so much while skiing. Rather, I would fall over when standing! I know! Stupid, huh? I would shift my weight and try to compensate with some lateral movement of my foot. I discovered that my feet just won't move laterally while in skis and I would end up on the ground. Walking with long poles attached to your feet is no joke! It is harder than walking with flippers on!

For all that, though, I really enjoyed it! I was able to figure out a gliding walk that engaged my thigh muscles and had me moving forward much more gracefully. That is probably why I am so sore today! My thighs are protesting every movement.

There were some kids on the trip that I would have called 'skanky' when I was a teenager. There were a couple of girls that promptly stripped down to their tank tops and hung out with some sleazy boys in the lodge and it's vicinity for most of the stay. What makes a girl think that a skin tight lime green tank top barely covering a dark brown and pink bra will look attractive? Especially when she needs to lose about 20 pounds of belly fat?! Ugh! It wasn't just their wardrobe that made me classify them as slutty, their foul mouths clinched it! I have to wonder how they behave when around their parents? The final nail in the coffin was their behavior towards adults. They foul mouthed the bus driver and teacher behind their backs. When I went to the bathroom, they were in there washing their hands. I said 'hello' and went into a stall. They promptly left and TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS! Fortunately, I hadn't sat down yet, so it was a small matter to go turn the lights back on. I guess it takes all kinds to populate the world. I am just so grateful that my daughter is not like that!!!!

Which brings me to my last comment on the trip. Helena told me several times that she was glad I had come! It made my day! When we got back to school, there was still 40 minutes left of the last class of the day. It was Orchestra for Helena. She has an 'A' in that class, so I agreed to check her out and bring her home.

Field trip tomorrow!

Helena's physical education class is going on a field trip tomorrow to Soldier Hollow for cross country skiing. I signed up a couple of weeks ago to go as a chaperon. They need to maintain a reasonable adult/student ratio in order to go. I have been excited and looking forward to going for quite a while.

The other day, Helena (keep in mind that she is 15 now) gave me a list of things she does not want me to do while on the field trip. On the list;

~Don't talk too much
~Don't sit by her on the bus
~Don't laugh too loud (apparently I do)
~Don't act like a teacher

Yesterday, she asked if maybe I could just cancel and not come at all. She stated 'I am not in 3rd grade! I don't need my mom babysitting me!' She also admitted that she is embarrassed of me.

You know, there was a time when she would have been absolutely beaming about being one of the kids with a parent on the field trip. Back in early elementary school, that is. Now, I have apparently crossed some invisible line of no return. Heavy sigh. Am I going to cancel? NO WAY! Apart from the fact that I actually want to go, it would be the height of rudeness to back out at the last minute and leave the teacher one chaperon short. And there is my substitute teacher to consider. I arranged for a sub to take my classes and she is now anticipating the income.

I wish growing up didn't include this pulling away. I try not to take it personally, after all, I remember being 15, too. But it still hurts. I realize now that I probably hurt my mom all those years ago when it was me giving my mom a list of things not to do so she wouldn't embarrass me. Figuratively speaking, of course. I can't remember precisely giving her a list, and she certainly never came on any upper school field trips because she was too busy taking care of my younger brothers and sisters to come. However, I remember being so wrapped up in concern for how I was perceived at school and with my peers that I didn't want my mom around. Sorry, mom, for being an insensitive teenager!

Still, the older the kids get, the less my life is defined by them. I begin to see a future of just Bill and me. I realize that having my daughter be 'embarrassed' by my presence is not the end of the world. I hope someday she will come around and appreciate me again. In the meantime, I am going on the field trip. Who knows? She may find out that it was fun to have me there after all and will be able to look back on it as a fond memory.

Parking can't really be that difficult,can it?

You know, we do live in a snowy region. We are guaranteed to have snow, and lots of it, every single winter. It is why I bought the big beast of a four wheel drive Expedition, after all! Any day it is snowing when it is time for me to leave for work; or the forecasters predict snow before the end of the day, I drive the big beast instead of my little car. Not because I think the roads will be impassable without four wheel drive (although that is often the case). No... it is so that I can park once I get to school!

You see, I am probably the last teacher to arrive. I am not full time. My contract works out to 3/4 time. I arrive between 8:30 and 8:45 a.m. The other teachers all arrive at 7:30 a.m. On normal days, this causes no problem because there is plenty of parking at my beautiful, new school. On normal days.

On snowy days, everyone guestimates where the parking stalls ought to be, with big margins for error. The cars are spaced so far apart that you could fit a 1/2 car in between them. 1/2 a car, not a whole car, of course! I am left with two options. Park across and down the street in the park, or ramp my car up on the old snow plowed into piles here and there in the parking lot eating up parking stalls!

I drive the 4X4 so that I can ramp up onto snow piles without sustaining damage. This picture is from yesterday. The snow piles have shrunk considerably. It has rained for several days, reducing the snow drastically. I could probably just about ramp the little car onto the pile at this point. However, they used to be huge! Just a week or two ago, my car looked like a commercial for rugged off-roading adventure and I was literally CLIMBING into and out of it!

You know, the people who complain about SUVs and trucks and their 'eco footprint' have probably never lived though a mountain winter. I am very grateful for the traction I get out of the four wheel drive and tonnage.

Bill's 'snow blower'

I forgot to blog this at the time, but during the last snow storm, Bill brought home a small excavator and cleared out our driveway. The drive is gravel, and longish...so I am very grateful whenever he decides to do this!

That snow is all now mostly melted with just shrinking dirty piles where it had been plowed. The ground has that spongy, bog-like feel and is very muddy!

Bill came home early the other day and cleared out all the gunk and chunks of ice in the rain gutters. I really appreciate all he does for us. I can always count on him to do the messiest jobs around the house without being asked, and without a single complaint.

Teasing Pepper

Helena was teasing Pepper with a piece of beef jerky. This was the result.

Here is an update on Helena's portrait...

I have been able to work on this slowly during my sixth grade classes, since they are working on a smaller version of the same thing. I was also able to work on it during parent/teacher conferences on Thursday and Friday. I had the parents of 114 of my students come see me over those two evenings! I offer a raffle drawing to students who bring their parents to meet me, so I have a very good turnout. The music teacher only had a handful come to see her. I could gets lots done if not for the raffle, but I think it makes the principal happy because it is good pr, you know?


Here is the photo that was used for the reference for this artwork...

How old is he, anyway?!

Bill bought a giant jawbreaker for each of the kids. While playing games last night, Will sucked on his. This is the result. And, yes, I would love it if he got a haircut, but the length is his choice. I am going to ambush him and take him down to SportClips to at least have it shaped better than this!

Camcorder frustrations

This is what my new camcorder looks like.


It is a Sanyo Xacti (E2). It is supposed to be waterproof, meaning that you can take it underwater (up to 1.5 m.) and record video and/or still pictures! I am just glad that it means I don't have to worry about it getting wet in the snow or next to the pool.

I'd like to tell you that I am happily learning how to use it, but, unfortunately...

It is missing its charger! I opened the box and carefully inspected all the parts and the charger is not here!

Fortunately, I ordered it from Amazon. I contacted them tonight. They are shipping a replacement and e-mailing me a pre-paid return postage to place on the box to return the incomplete set.

Of course, this means I have to wait another week or two before I can actually play with my new toy. Amazon was very easy to deal with over this issue, so I suppose it could be much worse.

Here's a blast from the recent past!

So, I decided it would be fun to post some older videos on my blog. This is from a family get together in my backyard during the summer of 2007. The big yellow thing is a 'game' my daughter received from a friend for her birthday. The concept is demonstrated in the video. It is great fun for big kids and adults, but near suicide for little kids! My nephew, Kris, ending up breaking something (his arm? his collarbone?) while playing with this thing!

Testing the video feature...

I uploaded this video of Bill's idea of funny...(Pepper and Demi tied to each other)... to test out the video feature of blogging. Mom, let me know if it runs smoothly for you because...

I ordered a new camcorder! Bill gave me the money for it for Christmas. He flat out told me that I find the most amazing deals he's ever seen, so he prefers to give me the money and let me do the shopping. I found one at 55% discount on amazon.com and it should be arriving within the week! Hopefully I'll be able to upload videos of the kids soon!

In the meantime, enjoy the video of the dogs and cat!

The best nap spot in the house!

This is Pepper...

This is MY BED!

My bed is the illegal favorite napping spot for both cats. They both know it is off limits. They both sneak in whenever they can, anyway! They only sleep on MY side of the bed, too (because my side is softer than Bill's side).

Of course, what could be better than napping on the softest spot in the house while it is also the sun spot?!?

I think we can all see why I sometimes have difficulty breathing at night and why I have to wash my bedding so frequently!




Photo courtesy of Helena :)

Helena stretching...

Here is another photo that Helena took. This is a reflection in her barre mirror. She makes it look so easy!

Kitty naps and blogging go together...

You should know that for the past week, every time I sit down to blog and/or journal on the computer, my kitty, Pepper, comes and climbs in my lap for a siesta!

EVERY TIME!

Yes, he is in my lap now. I think it is funny and very sweet. He doesn't do this to anyone else. Just me. I think he loves me best! :)

The Klondike!

Bill and Will got home from the Klondike around 5 p.m. yesterday.

On a side note, when I write 'Will and Bill' it looks so goofy that I want to write 'Bill 1 and Bill 2! :)

They both were smoky and wind burned, but still full of energy and good spirits. They said it went very well.

Here is a photo of Will (far right) with his troop.

When they got home, they immediately unpacked and cleaned up. The tent got set up in my family room to let it 'air out' ... meaning ..... let's make the whole basement smell like a camp out! I am still trying to get the sleeping bags processed through the wash along with the rest of the laundry.