On Memorial Day, I went for a walk. It was a gorgeous day. The sky was blue, the air was warm, the flowers were blooming.
It was a good day to be alive!
I've been struggling for the past three months. I have been sick. No, I don't really know what it is. I went to the doctor several times, was put on three different antibiotics, and a course of steroids (to bring the coughing under control enough so I would stop throwing up. Yeah, fun times). Still no improvement. I've had every bit of advice thrown my way, from "oh, it's probably just allergies." (Um, NO. It's not.), to "You should really be using X, Y, and Z essential oils. You'd be cured in a matter of days." (Not a fan. I had a student a couple of years ago whose mother was convinced could study and learn better if DOUSED in essential oils daily. Yeah, the rest of us had massive headaches from the overpowering aroma until the principal put his foot down and told the mother it was too much. And, no, the oils DID NOT make her smarter.) I wish I could tell people just how very unhelpful their armchair doctoring is to me. I don't mind sympathy, I don't need amateur doctors.
The real doc thinks it is bronchitis, but I've never heard of bronchitis sticking around for this long. He insists it's not pneumonia, so there's that. For what it's worth.
Meanwhile, back at the farm, life goes on much as you'd expect with mostly grown kids. Late night worrying and late-teen temptations and frustrations being what they are, I never quite get enough sleep. Also, the stress of being the mom has gifted me with an impressive collection of acne smattered across my chin. So sexy in a 40 something year old.
So, you can see what a gift that beautiful day was to me. As I was walking the neighborhood, I reflected that I really do live in a great location! I live in what most people would call a fair to big sized city, but I live in the old district. That means that the library, grocery store, church, cemetery, several parks, an elementary, junior high, and high school are all within walking distance. And, of course, the city rec. center is only a half block away, too! Work out classes and equipment, an indoor track, and two pools (olympic lap pool and leisure pool w/water slide/lazy river) plus hot tub!
It is good to be reminded sometimes of the awesomeness of life that we sometimes take for granted because most of the time it just fades to the background as we go about living.
And stressing.
Sigh. (Really, I'm okay. This, too, will pass)
Prom 2014
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Will told me over and over again for MONTHS that he wasn't interested in Prom. I stopped bringing it up because he would just roll his eyes and walk away.
So, imagine my surprise when I received this text conversation from him last Wednesday;
Will: Hey I'm going to Prom :P
Me: WHAT?! Cool! With whom? Also, home soon?
Will: I'm getting fitted for a suit.
Me: Holy crapinoly! Awesome, love you!
Keep in mind, Prom was in THREE DAYS.
It turns out that he and Brenna were talking (for those of you not in the know, Brenna was Will's girlfriend last summer, but they broke up last fall), and they both discovered that neither of them was going to prom. So, they decided to go together. They doubled with Brenna's friend and her date.
Will was bemused at how much we reacted to the news. But, really. After months and months of saying "No", this sudden whirlwind of three days of Prom prep was pretty amazing! He took care of all of the arrangements himself, and paid for all of it himself. He rented the tux, picked it up, and presumably returned it today. He got her corsage and the prom tickets.
I have to say, he looked AMAZING in his tux! The short jacket with long tails look great on his trim figure. It was also a perfect match to Brenna's dress. They looked very happy and seemed to have a great time. It would now appear that Will and Brenna are back together.
I'm very happy, too. I wanted him to go to prom so much! It is an event that only happens at this point in life, and it would be a shame to miss out on the experience. Maybe I am projecting my own youth, since I was never asked to prom, or any other school dance, for that matter. I always wanted to go, but never got the chance. It was hard for me to have my son say he didn't want to go. However, I reconciled the fact that it was his choice. It's not like he wanted to and never had the opportunity.
Still, I'm very happy they had a good time! Now, just 5 more weeks until graduation, and only 9 weeks until he ships out for Basic Training! Ahhhh!
Not so Utopian
Why have I been missing in action for so long, you ask?
I shut down when life turns difficult. The more difficult, the more I retreat. From this record, anyways.
Things have been hard around here. Really hard. Struggles and difficulties that I can't talk about because they are not my tales to tell. It is not my job to tell all the stories of the world. Or even all the stories in the family. I can only tell mine, and the stories of others when they are positive and upbeat. But when the stories are not upbeat, when the road is rocky, I'm not going to share. Not even when the stories ARE mine, actually. Since I can't just go on writing breezy, lighthearted posts when my heartstrings are being plucked, I will remain silent.
It used to be that I wrote in hardbound journals, and I would write EVERYTHING. For years I did that. The good and the bad. And then I discovered something. When I was feeling happy and looked back through the journals, I saw the good and it confirmed my good mood. But I also saw the bad, and it brought me down. Total buzz kill. When I was feeling down, I'd look back through the journals and ONLY see the bad... confirming my black mood.
So writing about bad times, for me, is a double negative. Which in this case (unlike in math) does NOT equate to a positive.
So, no. It's not just the online nature of this journal. It is a life lesson. Don't immortalize the negative moments of life. Don't afford them that honor. I'm not saying ignore them in the moment. Bad times happen to everyone, and they need to be dealt with in a healthy way. For me, writing them down is not a healthy way to deal with them.
I know many would disagree with me. They might say that getting the thoughts out of my head and verbalizing them would be cathartic. That without sharing, there can be no healing help from others. Or even that I create an unrealistically utopian view of my life by editing out the negative. Please understand. I am not being completely silent. I am getting the help needed in the moment. In real time, real face-to-face interactions with people around me. I'm not depressed or in danger of becoming so. I am simply not willing to look back to this point in my life and have anger, frustration, or worry be the permanent record.
Anyways, that is why the hiatus. Time will smooth the road out, and I will return to my breezy posts and light filled reports of all things wonderful. My "utopian" record. ;)
I shut down when life turns difficult. The more difficult, the more I retreat. From this record, anyways.
Things have been hard around here. Really hard. Struggles and difficulties that I can't talk about because they are not my tales to tell. It is not my job to tell all the stories of the world. Or even all the stories in the family. I can only tell mine, and the stories of others when they are positive and upbeat. But when the stories are not upbeat, when the road is rocky, I'm not going to share. Not even when the stories ARE mine, actually. Since I can't just go on writing breezy, lighthearted posts when my heartstrings are being plucked, I will remain silent.
It used to be that I wrote in hardbound journals, and I would write EVERYTHING. For years I did that. The good and the bad. And then I discovered something. When I was feeling happy and looked back through the journals, I saw the good and it confirmed my good mood. But I also saw the bad, and it brought me down. Total buzz kill. When I was feeling down, I'd look back through the journals and ONLY see the bad... confirming my black mood.
So writing about bad times, for me, is a double negative. Which in this case (unlike in math) does NOT equate to a positive.
So, no. It's not just the online nature of this journal. It is a life lesson. Don't immortalize the negative moments of life. Don't afford them that honor. I'm not saying ignore them in the moment. Bad times happen to everyone, and they need to be dealt with in a healthy way. For me, writing them down is not a healthy way to deal with them.
I know many would disagree with me. They might say that getting the thoughts out of my head and verbalizing them would be cathartic. That without sharing, there can be no healing help from others. Or even that I create an unrealistically utopian view of my life by editing out the negative. Please understand. I am not being completely silent. I am getting the help needed in the moment. In real time, real face-to-face interactions with people around me. I'm not depressed or in danger of becoming so. I am simply not willing to look back to this point in my life and have anger, frustration, or worry be the permanent record.
Anyways, that is why the hiatus. Time will smooth the road out, and I will return to my breezy posts and light filled reports of all things wonderful. My "utopian" record. ;)
Reserve vs. Active Duty
Will dropped a bombshell on us this week.
He's considering switching from Army Reserves to Active Duty Army.
!!!
He hasn't gone to Basic Training, yet, so making the switch now will be easier than at any other point in his military service. He has been going to his Reserve drill weekends every month ever since July. I think it is the drill weekends that have made him change his mind. He feels that his service in the Reserves is not meaningful enough. Their unit building is run down. Command has not bothered to check in with the unit in a long time. He feels like what he is doing there is a sham, I guess. He also feels that his MOS (Army job) isn't what he wanted. He's scheduled to be training in Chemical Operations, but he actually always wanted to be a door gunner on a helicopter. There is no MOS for that, so in order to qualify for it, you have to become a helicopter mechanic and work your way up to Crew Chief. And only on helicopters that have door gunners.
Great.
I can understand how he feels. I appreciate it. I do. I was concerned when he joined that he didn't take long enough choosing his MOS. I wanted to go home and sleep on it, but the recruiter told him that if he didn't choose right away, the jobs with the signing bonuses would potentially be gone. Ten thousand dollars is a strong incentive!
So. Here we are.
I was very comfortable with the arrangements as they are. He would only be gone for 6 months, then home again to do drill weekends, go to school, get a job (possibly as an EMT, since he is working on his certification right now), even move out and have college adventures. But all of it would be right here, close to home. I wouldn't have to say "good-bye".
All of that would change if he choses to go Active Duty.
After Basic and AIT (Advanced Individual Training, aka, job training), he would go off to whatever duty station the Army assigned him to. He would be gone.
I can't tell you how much my heart hurts right now to even think of it.
My kids have been growing up at a nice, slow pace. Helena is at home, going to school, working, dating... having adventures that don't take her too far away from me. She still likes to plan us into her life and, most importantly, do things with me.
Will wants to leave. I'm not ready for that! Is he ready for that? I'm not sure. He still needs me to get him up in the mornings and cook him breakfast.
I picture him far from home, with no family to turn to when he is lonely or depressed. What if he struggles to make friends? I worry about his spiritual well being, too. He doesn't go to church; will he find God when he is on his own?
GAH! I'm an emotional mess! Why do they have to grow up?!?
He leaves for drill weekend right after school today, so we won't be able to do anything about this until next week. I don't even know if it is possible to make the switch, anyways. Still, it is going to be a tough weekend for me, and possibly a tough spring... if I find out that I'll have to say "good-bye" this summer.
He's considering switching from Army Reserves to Active Duty Army.
!!!
He hasn't gone to Basic Training, yet, so making the switch now will be easier than at any other point in his military service. He has been going to his Reserve drill weekends every month ever since July. I think it is the drill weekends that have made him change his mind. He feels that his service in the Reserves is not meaningful enough. Their unit building is run down. Command has not bothered to check in with the unit in a long time. He feels like what he is doing there is a sham, I guess. He also feels that his MOS (Army job) isn't what he wanted. He's scheduled to be training in Chemical Operations, but he actually always wanted to be a door gunner on a helicopter. There is no MOS for that, so in order to qualify for it, you have to become a helicopter mechanic and work your way up to Crew Chief. And only on helicopters that have door gunners.
Great.
I can understand how he feels. I appreciate it. I do. I was concerned when he joined that he didn't take long enough choosing his MOS. I wanted to go home and sleep on it, but the recruiter told him that if he didn't choose right away, the jobs with the signing bonuses would potentially be gone. Ten thousand dollars is a strong incentive!
So. Here we are.
I was very comfortable with the arrangements as they are. He would only be gone for 6 months, then home again to do drill weekends, go to school, get a job (possibly as an EMT, since he is working on his certification right now), even move out and have college adventures. But all of it would be right here, close to home. I wouldn't have to say "good-bye".
All of that would change if he choses to go Active Duty.
After Basic and AIT (Advanced Individual Training, aka, job training), he would go off to whatever duty station the Army assigned him to. He would be gone.
I can't tell you how much my heart hurts right now to even think of it.
My kids have been growing up at a nice, slow pace. Helena is at home, going to school, working, dating... having adventures that don't take her too far away from me. She still likes to plan us into her life and, most importantly, do things with me.
Will wants to leave. I'm not ready for that! Is he ready for that? I'm not sure. He still needs me to get him up in the mornings and cook him breakfast.
I picture him far from home, with no family to turn to when he is lonely or depressed. What if he struggles to make friends? I worry about his spiritual well being, too. He doesn't go to church; will he find God when he is on his own?
GAH! I'm an emotional mess! Why do they have to grow up?!?
He leaves for drill weekend right after school today, so we won't be able to do anything about this until next week. I don't even know if it is possible to make the switch, anyways. Still, it is going to be a tough weekend for me, and possibly a tough spring... if I find out that I'll have to say "good-bye" this summer.
The Food Bank
Will is taking psychology this semester. The teacher set a term project for the students to do 5 hours of community service. Only two hours have to be physically at some location. The rest can be accomplished through writing letters to senators, showing her a voter registration card (if the student is over 18) and other such things. Will really hates writing stuff, however, and he's only 17, so he decided to do all 5 hours in physical service. We signed up to volunteer at the Food Bank.
Yes, we. It's not very fun to volunteer alone, and I wanted to volunteer, too.
I've never been to the Food Bank before. I've donated canned goods often enough. Every Scouting food drive, mail carrier food drive, school food drive, and any other food drive that comes our way, we usually pull some cans out of the pantry and send them on their way. For the first time, on New Year's Eve, I saw where they all go.
It is a run down building near the end of the FrontRunner line. Down by the train tracks, in other words. In a dodgy part of Provo. It's a warehouse in severe need of fumigating. I spent most of my time stocking shelves in the "pantry"/store where people in need are sent through with helpers to insure they only take what they need. They have to have visited a case worker, first, then they are sent through with a pallet cart and specific instructions to take X # of cans of soup, Y # of cans of vegetables, and Z # of cans of fruit, and so on. The numbers were based on the number of people living in the family. My job was to keep the shelves stocked so people could make their selections.
The canned foods had been sorted into bins in the back of the warehouse. Many/most of the cans were dented in some way. You know how you always leave the dented cans on the grocery store shelves when you are shopping? Most of those cans end up at the food bank. Some of them burst and spill their contents all over everything else in the bin. Yuck. That leads to the problem with mice.
The shelves I was stocking had mouse dropping on them! Ugh!!! I wanted to bleach wash them SO BADLY! These poor people! I desperately hope they sanitize the cans BEFORE opening them! Who knows what kinds of viruses are being passed to some of the most vulnerable people in our society.
Honestly, I'm not blaming the people who run the Food Bank. They are understaffed and underfunded. They are at the mercy of volunteers and there are never enough. I want to go back so badly and bring a bunch a bleach wipes with me...
...but I dread going back because I had the worst allergic reaction I've had in years! My eyes burned and were all swollen and puffy by the end of the day. I also came home with several flea bites.
The people we helped were a mixed bunch. Some were elderly and mentally struggling. Some were new to the system and seemed almost apologetic. There were several who didn't speak English. Those who spoke Spanish could get a translator, but there were a couple of people who looked Asian, and no one could really help translate for them. We didn't know if they spoke Chinese, Korean, or Vietnamese. Lots of pointing and holding up fingers to indicate numbers, mostly got them through the store.
I remember one young woman. She was VERY pregnant. When she got to the soup shelves, she noticed there were no Spaghetios. She asked me if there were any in the back. I told her 'I'm sorry' and that there had been no Spaghetios all day. She frowned and pouted that she just would have to skip the soup shelves, then, since her kids wouldn't eat anything else in that section.
?!?
Oh. My. Gosh. If I had to rely on the Food Bank to feed my children I would make sure to take EVERY BIT OF FOOD I was allowed and my kids would EAT IT! You don't like chicken noodle soup, kidlets? Tough cookies! Eat and be glad you have food! Oi.
Some of the things I put on the shelves disappeared instantly because they were so rare. Like Miracle Whip, mustard, or chocolate syrup. Other things are just staples and whole shelves had to be restocked several times over the course of the day, like green beans. Peanut butter was another fast moving food item.
Will helped with stocking the dry goods. Stores donate day old bread to the food bank, and that is sent on to families as quickly as possible.
The guy in charge told me that just before Christmas, an anonymous family donated a thousand stuffed stockings to the Food Bank to hand out to families with children.
I was so glad to have the opportunity to serve and I am shamed that it took my son's school assignment for me to do so. We spent two hours, went to lunch, then spent three hours more. The time went by really quickly and when I got home I was BUSHED! (and grossed out, and allergically puffy...)
I need to go again.
With bleach.
Yes, we. It's not very fun to volunteer alone, and I wanted to volunteer, too.
I've never been to the Food Bank before. I've donated canned goods often enough. Every Scouting food drive, mail carrier food drive, school food drive, and any other food drive that comes our way, we usually pull some cans out of the pantry and send them on their way. For the first time, on New Year's Eve, I saw where they all go.
It is a run down building near the end of the FrontRunner line. Down by the train tracks, in other words. In a dodgy part of Provo. It's a warehouse in severe need of fumigating. I spent most of my time stocking shelves in the "pantry"/store where people in need are sent through with helpers to insure they only take what they need. They have to have visited a case worker, first, then they are sent through with a pallet cart and specific instructions to take X # of cans of soup, Y # of cans of vegetables, and Z # of cans of fruit, and so on. The numbers were based on the number of people living in the family. My job was to keep the shelves stocked so people could make their selections.
The canned foods had been sorted into bins in the back of the warehouse. Many/most of the cans were dented in some way. You know how you always leave the dented cans on the grocery store shelves when you are shopping? Most of those cans end up at the food bank. Some of them burst and spill their contents all over everything else in the bin. Yuck. That leads to the problem with mice.
The shelves I was stocking had mouse dropping on them! Ugh!!! I wanted to bleach wash them SO BADLY! These poor people! I desperately hope they sanitize the cans BEFORE opening them! Who knows what kinds of viruses are being passed to some of the most vulnerable people in our society.
Honestly, I'm not blaming the people who run the Food Bank. They are understaffed and underfunded. They are at the mercy of volunteers and there are never enough. I want to go back so badly and bring a bunch a bleach wipes with me...
...but I dread going back because I had the worst allergic reaction I've had in years! My eyes burned and were all swollen and puffy by the end of the day. I also came home with several flea bites.
The people we helped were a mixed bunch. Some were elderly and mentally struggling. Some were new to the system and seemed almost apologetic. There were several who didn't speak English. Those who spoke Spanish could get a translator, but there were a couple of people who looked Asian, and no one could really help translate for them. We didn't know if they spoke Chinese, Korean, or Vietnamese. Lots of pointing and holding up fingers to indicate numbers, mostly got them through the store.
I remember one young woman. She was VERY pregnant. When she got to the soup shelves, she noticed there were no Spaghetios. She asked me if there were any in the back. I told her 'I'm sorry' and that there had been no Spaghetios all day. She frowned and pouted that she just would have to skip the soup shelves, then, since her kids wouldn't eat anything else in that section.
?!?
Oh. My. Gosh. If I had to rely on the Food Bank to feed my children I would make sure to take EVERY BIT OF FOOD I was allowed and my kids would EAT IT! You don't like chicken noodle soup, kidlets? Tough cookies! Eat and be glad you have food! Oi.
Some of the things I put on the shelves disappeared instantly because they were so rare. Like Miracle Whip, mustard, or chocolate syrup. Other things are just staples and whole shelves had to be restocked several times over the course of the day, like green beans. Peanut butter was another fast moving food item.
Will helped with stocking the dry goods. Stores donate day old bread to the food bank, and that is sent on to families as quickly as possible.
The guy in charge told me that just before Christmas, an anonymous family donated a thousand stuffed stockings to the Food Bank to hand out to families with children.
I was so glad to have the opportunity to serve and I am shamed that it took my son's school assignment for me to do so. We spent two hours, went to lunch, then spent three hours more. The time went by really quickly and when I got home I was BUSHED! (and grossed out, and allergically puffy...)
I need to go again.
With bleach.
The Workout Schedule
I have set stuff I like to do. I like to swim. I like to run. I like to ride my bike. Triathlon stuff.
So, I'll revisit my old triathlon type training and see where that takes me.
I think this year I'll make Saturday and Sunday my rest days. At least until summer vacation. That will give me the time I need to get weekend chores done and spend time with the family, I hope.
So, I'm splitting my workouts into two categories; MWF and TTh.
MWF will be running training and weights/core work. My running goal for the next 10 weeks is to speed up on my 5K. I average 31 minutes with a best time of 28 minutes. In 10 weeks I want 28 minutes to be the new average time for the 5K distance. We'll see what my new best time will become! I have an app called 5K Forever that I will be working with to try and meet this goal. The app is designed specifically to help 5K runners improve their time, so I'm excited to give it a go! Today was my first day using the app and it went well.
Core work means situps, pushups, squats, lunges, and planks. My 10 week end goal is 200 situps, 100 pushups, 100 squats, 200 lunges, and 120 second planks. Weights will be just maintenance stuff on my arms.
TTh workouts will be cycle class and swimming. The swimming is iffy, because TTh are long lanes, which means less available lanes (short lanes can be up to 8 lanes, long lanes are at max of 5). With the Resolutioners in the gym, I might not get a lane for a little while, but I'll do my best. I haven't created specific goals for cycle and swim. Just to do them and push myself each day. Work on form and endurance, mostly.
Resolutioners! It's that time of year, again. Today was great. There was no crowd, yet. I expect the crowds will hit just after the annual pass sale and fitness fair next week. Ugh. They all sign up, plunk down their money for an annual pass, crowd out the regulars for two months, then disappear. Most equipment breakage happens during this time because they also bring along their kids, who abuse the equipment.
I'm really not against New Year's Resolutions! I just really believe in only making goals I intend to achieve. Why would you spend the money and not follow through? Why give up after only a few weeks? Why do there have to be so many of them that I can't get my workouts done? The gym oversells knowing many will quit. So in January and February the facility is really over capacity.
Still, some of them end up turning into regulars, and in that case, they are very welcome! For now, I'll have to show up early to cycle class in order to get my preferred bike, and I might have to get creative with my running workouts if all the treadmills are taken.
So, I'll revisit my old triathlon type training and see where that takes me.
I think this year I'll make Saturday and Sunday my rest days. At least until summer vacation. That will give me the time I need to get weekend chores done and spend time with the family, I hope.
So, I'm splitting my workouts into two categories; MWF and TTh.
MWF will be running training and weights/core work. My running goal for the next 10 weeks is to speed up on my 5K. I average 31 minutes with a best time of 28 minutes. In 10 weeks I want 28 minutes to be the new average time for the 5K distance. We'll see what my new best time will become! I have an app called 5K Forever that I will be working with to try and meet this goal. The app is designed specifically to help 5K runners improve their time, so I'm excited to give it a go! Today was my first day using the app and it went well.
Core work means situps, pushups, squats, lunges, and planks. My 10 week end goal is 200 situps, 100 pushups, 100 squats, 200 lunges, and 120 second planks. Weights will be just maintenance stuff on my arms.
TTh workouts will be cycle class and swimming. The swimming is iffy, because TTh are long lanes, which means less available lanes (short lanes can be up to 8 lanes, long lanes are at max of 5). With the Resolutioners in the gym, I might not get a lane for a little while, but I'll do my best. I haven't created specific goals for cycle and swim. Just to do them and push myself each day. Work on form and endurance, mostly.
Resolutioners! It's that time of year, again. Today was great. There was no crowd, yet. I expect the crowds will hit just after the annual pass sale and fitness fair next week. Ugh. They all sign up, plunk down their money for an annual pass, crowd out the regulars for two months, then disappear. Most equipment breakage happens during this time because they also bring along their kids, who abuse the equipment.
I'm really not against New Year's Resolutions! I just really believe in only making goals I intend to achieve. Why would you spend the money and not follow through? Why give up after only a few weeks? Why do there have to be so many of them that I can't get my workouts done? The gym oversells knowing many will quit. So in January and February the facility is really over capacity.
Still, some of them end up turning into regulars, and in that case, they are very welcome! For now, I'll have to show up early to cycle class in order to get my preferred bike, and I might have to get creative with my running workouts if all the treadmills are taken.
2014
Hello there.
Bet you thought I'd forgotten my little online journal.
Nope.
I've just gotten way too distracted by life.
But, I'm here, now. And I'm gonna try to stay with it.
It's a time for new resolutions, after all!
That's right! WELCOME TO 2014 AND THE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION POST!
I'm a goal setting kind of person. I don't get too bent out of shape if I fail to reach them all... I just like to set them and see how far it takes me. So, here goes!
Last Sunday, the bishop mentioned some advice he'd been giving on setting goals. He called them goals, not resolutions, because you really should be constantly assessing, adjusting, and setting goals. It is not just a New Year thing. Anyways, he said the advice was to set 3 health goals for yourself... one for physical health, one for mental health, and one for spiritual health. That sounds like a great idea.
Of course, I have a boatload of PHYSICAL HEALTH goals I'd like to tackle.
For instance, I want to;
Bet you thought I'd forgotten my little online journal.
Nope.
I've just gotten way too distracted by life.
But, I'm here, now. And I'm gonna try to stay with it.
It's a time for new resolutions, after all!
That's right! WELCOME TO 2014 AND THE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION POST!
I'm a goal setting kind of person. I don't get too bent out of shape if I fail to reach them all... I just like to set them and see how far it takes me. So, here goes!
Last Sunday, the bishop mentioned some advice he'd been giving on setting goals. He called them goals, not resolutions, because you really should be constantly assessing, adjusting, and setting goals. It is not just a New Year thing. Anyways, he said the advice was to set 3 health goals for yourself... one for physical health, one for mental health, and one for spiritual health. That sounds like a great idea.
Of course, I have a boatload of PHYSICAL HEALTH goals I'd like to tackle.
For instance, I want to;
- Get to bed 'early' every night. 'Early' means 10-10:30 nightly (as I type this at 11:30 pm). The problem with that is that I still have a wandering teen in the house to wait up for on occasion. And, lets face it, I'm a night owl and have to force myself to bed most nights. Grrrr. Instead, I want to set a goal to try for 8 HOURS OF SLEEP per night. I think I can manage that, most of the time.
- Get up at 6 am every school day to MAKE BREAKFAST FOR WILL. That one is more for Will's physical/mental health than for mine. I know. I'm a horrible mother! Most mornings he rolls out of bed at 7:20 am and leaves for school at 7:30... with no breakfast. I've never been one of those "let me feed you all the meals" kind of people. Still, I'm gonna try! That means I will have to strive for that 10 pm bedtime on school nights if I'm gonna make that first goal.
- BUILD A NEW WORKOUT SCHEDULE AND STICK TO IT. I've fallen off the workout wagon, somewhat. And by fallen off, I mean I'm still holding on to the wagon and am being dragged in the dirt behind it. I've struggled all through the holidays. I'm making it to about 1/2 of my scheduled workouts each week. I know I can do better. I know I will feel better if I do better. So, I will.
- BREAK THE STUPID SODA HABIT! Here's another wagon I fell off of, people. Gah! Stupid, stupid soda! Why does sugar have to taste so good?! I feel like this is my Achilles heel. My willpower battle royale. So, I will keep up the fight and try again.
- GO TO THE DOCTOR and have the various things taken care of that need attention. Vericose veins & moles. I met my deductible this year, so I might as well take care of stuff. ya know?
MENTAL HEALTH Goals
- DE-CLUTTER. I want to pick one room each month and get rid of as much as I possibly can. Clear out the accumulation of 13-14 years of living in one place. You know what I mean. Things can pile up over time. Papers and books and nick-nacks. Picture frames I meant to paint all black, fill with pictures, and hang on the wall; but are instead all piled in a corner of the dining room gathering dust. The puzzle that was built and mod-podged, but is waiting on top of the dryer for me to find a 22"x24" (or was it x28"?) frame so I can hang it on the wall. All those random bits and pieces of living that need a proper home, or just simply need to go away permanently. How is that mental health, you ask? A cluttered home = a cluttered mind. I think I could focus better with a more spartan house.
- KEEP UP WITH ROSETTA STONE. I have been working on learning Spanish with Rosetta Stone. I work at a Spanish Immersion elementary school, and the administration has provided Rosetta Stone for all the teachers and students to use. Really such a great resource! I could have chosen any language to work on, and I was tempted to brush up my French. But, I want to learn Spanish, for work. Learning a language should keep my mind sharp, especially since it sometimes feels like some of the gears are starting to slip from time to time.
- KEEP UP WITH MY BLOG. This is my journal. I need a place to crystalize my thoughts, and this is that place. It is such a shame that so many good thoughts got lost over the months that I neglected to write. I focus my writing on the positive events in my life, and it helps ME to stay positive. Otherwise, I might let the negative creep in and get too much of a foothold in my life. Keep your sharing POSITIVE! Whether in a blog, or on Facebook, only record the positive. You get back what you send out, so be careful what you send out there!
SPIRITUAL HEALTH Goals
- RENEW MY TEMPLE RECOMMEND. I haven't held a current recommend in years. I don't really have a good reason. Just laziness. I'm a slacker. I need to rededicate myself and get back to the temple. I'm looking forward to some Celestial Room meditations.
- PRAYERS/SCRIPTURES EVERY MORNING. That's gonna be part of the getting up at 6 am gig. I'm shooting for a morning something like this: 15 min. me time (potty, stretching), 15 min. prayer/scriptures, 30 min. breakfast prep., have breakfast with Will (& hopefully Helena), send Will out the door at 7:30, get myself ready for work & out the door around 8:15.
So, there you have it. I'm not good at the one goal per section kind of thing. Still, I like my goals and I'm looking forward to implementing them. Tomorrow I think I'll build that workout schedule!
If you are setting goals this week, I wish you all the best in achieving them! I'm no cynic about New Year's Resolutions... I've accomplished many of mine over the years, so I know they are worthwhile endeavors.
So, set your goals and chase 'em down!
Cheers to a bright 2014!
Back
My back has been hurting. It hasn't been agonizing, most of the time. Mostly it has been a dull ache that drives me nuts. It has been hurting ever since I got rear ended TWO YEARS AGO. Most days I could ignore it. I'd take Naproxen and forget about it. I didn't realize how much I was leaning on the Naproxen Sodium until this fall, when I started taking more and more of it, with no results. Then we ran out at about the same time that I was taking dangerously high doses just to manage my afternoons. By September of this fall, it got bad enough for me to break down and go back to a doctor about it.
I'm not a doctor kind of person. I'd just as soon deal with it myself. But, when I started gasping in surprised pain in the middle of teaching lessons at school I realized I really had to do something about it. Students wanted to know what's wrong.
So frustrating!
The Doc listened, noted that I can still move about and touch my toes, and sent me to the Physical Therapist.
As you know, I've been very active these past two years. I run, bike, kayak, and swim. But the biking has slowly been sidelined. Biking never really happened this summer. The one time I went with Bill was just too agonizing to repeat. Kayaking never happened this summer, either. Running was a delicate balance of training carefully and pain killers. Running slowly petered out, too, until I had to give myself a serious pep talk just to do a 5K on a treadmill. Swimming, however, stayed GOLDEN! It is the perfect injured person workout! Every doc I've seen has encouraged me to keep up with the swimming, since there is little chance of pain or injury aggravation with it.
Anyways, I went off to pt for a month, shelling out copay after copay. It's hard to fit an extra $60/week into the budget, especially when it didn't seem to be helping. Talk about stress.
So, after a month of pt with no results, the Doc finally ordered an MRI.
Those suckers are expensive! We'll have to pay a large chunk of it, but then my deductible will be met for the year. Again, not in the budget. Christmas will be homemade this year since our holiday budget has been shot by this.
To make a long story short, I got a call back from the doc after the MRI saying it didn't show much and recommending more pt. That didn't sit well. I scheduled a consult and talked it out with him. Up until that meeting I don't think he really heard me. He finally did hear me, though, and recommended a pain specialist.
So, here we are. I met with the Anesthesiologist/Pain Specialist. He heard my full story, looked over the MRI, and inspected my back. His diagnosis was surprising and very hopeful! I can't tell you how amazing the difference is between a general practice doctor and a specialist! I won't bore you with the details. I will just say that I have a procedure coming up on Monday that sounds risky (to me, anyways), but if successful, will confirm the diagnosis 100% and give me a pain free existence for several months! In fact, if it works, the pain doc has ordered me to return to my normal workout routines as quickly as possible.
If this works, we'll know exactly why the pain is happening and how to manage it (because the doc said it might be chronic).
I'm excited and nervous. Cross your fingers, say a prayer, and we'll see!
I'm not a doctor kind of person. I'd just as soon deal with it myself. But, when I started gasping in surprised pain in the middle of teaching lessons at school I realized I really had to do something about it. Students wanted to know what's wrong.
So frustrating!
The Doc listened, noted that I can still move about and touch my toes, and sent me to the Physical Therapist.
As you know, I've been very active these past two years. I run, bike, kayak, and swim. But the biking has slowly been sidelined. Biking never really happened this summer. The one time I went with Bill was just too agonizing to repeat. Kayaking never happened this summer, either. Running was a delicate balance of training carefully and pain killers. Running slowly petered out, too, until I had to give myself a serious pep talk just to do a 5K on a treadmill. Swimming, however, stayed GOLDEN! It is the perfect injured person workout! Every doc I've seen has encouraged me to keep up with the swimming, since there is little chance of pain or injury aggravation with it.
Anyways, I went off to pt for a month, shelling out copay after copay. It's hard to fit an extra $60/week into the budget, especially when it didn't seem to be helping. Talk about stress.
So, after a month of pt with no results, the Doc finally ordered an MRI.
Those suckers are expensive! We'll have to pay a large chunk of it, but then my deductible will be met for the year. Again, not in the budget. Christmas will be homemade this year since our holiday budget has been shot by this.
To make a long story short, I got a call back from the doc after the MRI saying it didn't show much and recommending more pt. That didn't sit well. I scheduled a consult and talked it out with him. Up until that meeting I don't think he really heard me. He finally did hear me, though, and recommended a pain specialist.
So, here we are. I met with the Anesthesiologist/Pain Specialist. He heard my full story, looked over the MRI, and inspected my back. His diagnosis was surprising and very hopeful! I can't tell you how amazing the difference is between a general practice doctor and a specialist! I won't bore you with the details. I will just say that I have a procedure coming up on Monday that sounds risky (to me, anyways), but if successful, will confirm the diagnosis 100% and give me a pain free existence for several months! In fact, if it works, the pain doc has ordered me to return to my normal workout routines as quickly as possible.
If this works, we'll know exactly why the pain is happening and how to manage it (because the doc said it might be chronic).
I'm excited and nervous. Cross your fingers, say a prayer, and we'll see!
True Compliments
Little children can be so uplifting. They are so eager to love, and show that love as much as possible!
I teach art to all grade levels in the school, Kindergarten through 6th grade. Oh, those little ones! On the one hand, they can be hard to handle because they are absolutely BURSTING with energy, and when you put 25 of them in the same room it can be overwhelming and difficult to control.
On the other hand, they are so ready to shower me with compliments. You know the domino effect? It can be especially problematic with a room full of 5 year olds. Just let one of them say he/she has to go potty....
.... suddenly there is a room FULL of 5 year olds who ALL have to go potty! Oi.
However, the domino effect also works when one of those little darlings wants to show some love. If one little Kindergartener (or 1st grader, or 2nd grader...) runs up to me with a hug and an "I love your _____ (insert random physical attribute... hair, shoes, shirt, necklace...)!" it is guaranteed that I am about to be showered with similar compliments from at least 6 more kids in line. I get told "You're so pretty!" so many times in the day it is a wonder my ego isn't blown all out of proportion.
The truth is, they are just so eager to LOVE life that I'm sure they would think I'm pretty even if I was a toad (though I'm glad I am not a toad).
The true gems of compliments are much more rare and so precious when they do happen.
Yesterday, while I was setting out some art supplies for a Kindergarten class, as I leaned over her, one of the little girls commented, "You smell good, teacher," followed up just a beat or two later by "You smell like my Mommy."
How can a compliment be more beautiful than that?
I teach art to all grade levels in the school, Kindergarten through 6th grade. Oh, those little ones! On the one hand, they can be hard to handle because they are absolutely BURSTING with energy, and when you put 25 of them in the same room it can be overwhelming and difficult to control.
On the other hand, they are so ready to shower me with compliments. You know the domino effect? It can be especially problematic with a room full of 5 year olds. Just let one of them say he/she has to go potty....
.... suddenly there is a room FULL of 5 year olds who ALL have to go potty! Oi.
However, the domino effect also works when one of those little darlings wants to show some love. If one little Kindergartener (or 1st grader, or 2nd grader...) runs up to me with a hug and an "I love your _____ (insert random physical attribute... hair, shoes, shirt, necklace...)!" it is guaranteed that I am about to be showered with similar compliments from at least 6 more kids in line. I get told "You're so pretty!" so many times in the day it is a wonder my ego isn't blown all out of proportion.
The truth is, they are just so eager to LOVE life that I'm sure they would think I'm pretty even if I was a toad (though I'm glad I am not a toad).
The true gems of compliments are much more rare and so precious when they do happen.
Yesterday, while I was setting out some art supplies for a Kindergarten class, as I leaned over her, one of the little girls commented, "You smell good, teacher," followed up just a beat or two later by "You smell like my Mommy."
How can a compliment be more beautiful than that?
Grief
Laying in bed, tossing and turning because I can't get the thoughts in my head to leave me alone. So I thought I might as well get up and put those thoughts down in words, so maybe, finally, I can go to sleep.
None of my children go to church. I ask my youngest to join me at church every Sunday morning. Every Sunday morning he turns me down. My husband only grudgingly goes, some of the time, because he loves me and knows it would make me happy. If it weren't for that, he would not grace the chapel with his presence. To be honest, it makes it hard for me to go. I hate to go alone.
Why do I bother? Why do I care? What does it matter to me if they go to church or not? It is true that I am not one of those parents who force my offspring into church attendance. I am not fool enough to think that if I just MAKE them come, they will somehow love the gospel and be better Christians.
Why won't they come? Do they not believe? Are they not Christian enough? Or is the church not Christian enough? Have I done something wrong in raising them? Is there something more I could/should do?
I doubt the kids remember this, but when they were babies, their lullabies were Hymns. I rocked them to sleep singing "Nearer, My God, To Thee", "Rock of Ages", "Because I Have Been Given Much", "The Lord is My Shepherd", and many others of my favorites. I have literally years of memories; cuddling my precious children while singing to them about Christ. Helena probably does have memories of constantly requesting her personal favorite children's Hymn, "I Love to See the Temple". That one is unique to the LDS faith, so for those who are not members, here are the lyrics:
None of my children go to church. I ask my youngest to join me at church every Sunday morning. Every Sunday morning he turns me down. My husband only grudgingly goes, some of the time, because he loves me and knows it would make me happy. If it weren't for that, he would not grace the chapel with his presence. To be honest, it makes it hard for me to go. I hate to go alone.
Why do I bother? Why do I care? What does it matter to me if they go to church or not? It is true that I am not one of those parents who force my offspring into church attendance. I am not fool enough to think that if I just MAKE them come, they will somehow love the gospel and be better Christians.
Why won't they come? Do they not believe? Are they not Christian enough? Or is the church not Christian enough? Have I done something wrong in raising them? Is there something more I could/should do?
I doubt the kids remember this, but when they were babies, their lullabies were Hymns. I rocked them to sleep singing "Nearer, My God, To Thee", "Rock of Ages", "Because I Have Been Given Much", "The Lord is My Shepherd", and many others of my favorites. I have literally years of memories; cuddling my precious children while singing to them about Christ. Helena probably does have memories of constantly requesting her personal favorite children's Hymn, "I Love to See the Temple". That one is unique to the LDS faith, so for those who are not members, here are the lyrics:
I Love To See the Temple,
I'm going there someday.
To feel the Holy Spirit,
To listen and to pray.
For the Temple is a House of God,
A place of Love and Beauty.
I'll prepare myself while I am young,
This is my sacred duty.
I love to see the Temple,
I'll go inside someday.
I'll covenant with my Father
I promise to obey.
For the Temple is a Holy Place,
Where we are sealed together.
As a Child of God, I've learned this truth,
A Family is Forever.
If you want to know what it sounds like, here are a couple of links. The first is an instrumental arrangement that is more elaborate, the second is more simply arranged.
She used to ask for this at bedtime so often I would just get sick of singing it. But I never said "No".
They spent their entire childhoods attending worship services dressed in their Sunday best. I still have all the dresses my mother made especially for Helena. She was the best dressed little girl in the congregation, since my mom is a master seamstress and the dresses often involved French lace insets, fancy embroidery, and hand worked smocking. Those dresses are truly fit for a princess and would be incredibly expensive if actually sold. Never, of course! I have always hoped that someday Helena will want to dress her own little girl in those dresses and take her to church to learn about God's love.
So, they went to Sunday School. They were taught at home. They know all the fundamentals about the Gospel of Christ.
And yet they don't worship.
Before you tell me that maybe their worship is done in private, I have contemplated that.
I don't think it is happening.
Why, you ask?
Because private worship brings a person closer to the gospel, not farther from it. Private worship softens hearts. Private worship brings families closer together. I don't see that happening.
I watch my kids make some of the most crucial decisions of their lives and I fear for them because they are not turing to the Lord for help in making those decisions. I get frustrated because my advice falls on deaf ears and hardened hearts. I see my children drifting away from me and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I am a broken person. I think everyone is flawed, in some way. But I am a person who was damaged as a child and spent a lifetime feeling of little worth. Feeling unclean. Feeling unworthy. I now know it is why I never had close friends growing up. It is why I struggled with dating. It is why I'm a loner. It is something I battle with on a daily basis. I will battle with it all my life. Some hurts run deeper than can ever be imagined and the scars will always bring pain.
The only times I have felt whole are times when I have felt close to the Savior. The times in my life when I was truly striving to live my life in harmony with the gospel of Christ. In those moments I have felt true joy and have even received significant personal revelations that have guided me and formed the basis or core of the person I am still striving to be. Most of those moments are tied to my family, as well. Moments when I was sealed to my husband and children for eternity. Moments when I snuggled my sleeping infant. Moments when my siblings shared their testimonies as we gathered to say farewell to our beloved brother, who had passed away. Moments when I watched my children get baptized. Moments when I realized that I didn't have to be a perfect person to receive the love of my Savior and partake in his atoning sacrifice.
And so I grieve.
I grieve because my children are not turning to God as the guiding force in their lives. They are allowing their reaction to people get in the way of their relationship with God. People in the church can be frustrating. They are imperfect, too, after all. The members of the church can be the biggest impediment to the gospel of Christ, sometimes. People say and do stupid stuff. But that is not important. The people are not the gospel. The gospel allows us to love the people around us in spite of our own imperfections, and theirs, too.
But if you don't focus on the gospel, you can lose sight of that.
So. I need to do better. I need to bring Christ back to the center of my own life. I can't force him to the center of my children's lives, but I can continue to pray for them and hope that it is enough to soften their hearts and bring them back.
I want them to have spiritual lives.
Blessed
Just when I am fuming and bitter over some disappointment dealt to me by my daughter, a friend posted to Facebook the sad news that his new baby daughter did not survive her pre-term delivery.
And I am shamed.
And I am humbled.
And I am reminded of the great blessing of having my beautiful daughter in my life. I have had nearly 20 years of love and laughter that my friend will have to forgo, because his beautiful daughter has left this mortal life. I can hopefully look forward to many more moments of wonder and love in the years to come.
We are imperfect beings, living in an imperfect world. But there are moments of perfect happiness that can be stored away in memories. They are such great blessings in life.
Happiness is fleeting.
Love is eternal.
I am sorry for my friend.
And I love my daughter.
And I am shamed.
And I am humbled.
And I am reminded of the great blessing of having my beautiful daughter in my life. I have had nearly 20 years of love and laughter that my friend will have to forgo, because his beautiful daughter has left this mortal life. I can hopefully look forward to many more moments of wonder and love in the years to come.
We are imperfect beings, living in an imperfect world. But there are moments of perfect happiness that can be stored away in memories. They are such great blessings in life.
Happiness is fleeting.
Love is eternal.
I am sorry for my friend.
And I love my daughter.
I'm a Wreck
It is ridiculous how much time has gone by without a post. Life, I guess.
There have been many times I have meant to sit down and write about something that has happened, but the moment passes and now I forget what I wanted to say. Hopefully it wasn't too important.
Summer has gone, and I feel cheated out of the best weather of the year.
I'm sick, you see.
I had Strep for a week (including the weekend), which morphed into a cold with chest congestion that has ruined yet another weekend for me. Bah humbug and harrumph. I hate being sick, but it is especially rude in late September - when we experience the most amazing and awesome weather of the year! Two perfect weekends totally ruined. I'm feeling quite bitter.
My family has taken advantage of the weather, though. Bill has been on multiple bike rides. Helena did the Electric Run at Thanksgiving Point, which looked like a cross between a 5K and a rock concert. Will took a friend with him to windsurf on the lake all day. He got an impressive sunburn.
I sat inside rubbing my nose raw on tissues.
I also missed the last week of outdoor swimming. Grrr.
Still, onward and upward, eh?
I'm starting to want to exercise again, a sure sign I'm getting better. And really, October has great hiking weather, so there's that to anticipate.
Meanwhile, I'm in physical therapy for the spot on my back that got hurt in the car accident last year. It started hurting again for no apparent reason. The doctor said that the insurance won't cover the cost of an MRI until after p/t has been done. Phooey. P/T costs a $30 copay each time I go, which is twice a week. It does not fit in the budget, but what do you do?
Man! I'm a wreck!
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