Reconnecting with my past through my kids' present

Here are side by side pictures of me and Helena, both at the age of 15. Her hair is much cuter!

Here are photos of me and Will at the age of 12! What can I say? Those are some awesome hairdo's I'm sporting!

Living with a teenager is not easy. Some days are light-hearted and fun, other days I somehow manage to offend with every word and glance. Living with two teenagers at once can be most unpleasant!


There are days when everyone in the house is mad at everyone else (excluding Bill, and I, of course). Those are days when I calculate just how long until they are 18.


Yesterday, I decided to find my old teen aged journal. It is a little black velvet covered book with a faded unicorn on the cover. Rather appropriate that my teen aged journal is a little black book! As I read through it, I could see much of my children's attitudes reflected in my own at that age.


As a teenager, I was completely self absorbed. Here are some samples;

This afternoon , mom went to the store with Kirsten. Trina went too because mom was gona drop her off somewhere.

I might as well explain here and now that both Kirsten and I were keeping sticker collections.

I asked mom to buy me a few lousy 10 cent stickers, she said no. I wouldn't have minded all that much, except that when they got home, Kirsten cam tra-la-laing up to me to show me the nifty stickers mom bought for her! I could have died! Mom buys everything for that little BRAT!

-13 yrs. old

-Jan. or Feb. 1984

What is wrong with moi? I feel like none of the guys at school would dare even touch me, & I feel as if I rank lowest of my family members.

Trina's getting her second rabbit sometime this weekend. Second, while I've never even owned my very own pet in my life! (And I've been asking for a dog for a long time!

Grandma said that you have to show alot of resposability to own a pet; but noones given me a chance to prove it!

I feel like an outcast & that they (my parents) love Trina more than they love me!

When (and If) I get my dog, I've decided that I want a blonde cocker spaniel pup & it's gonna be male, & I'm gonna name it Soda.

But see'n as my parents are dead set on my life bein' miserable (& have done a great job doing so, so far), I can probaby kiss Soda goodbye

See, already I love that dog & I haven't even got it yet!

-14 yrs. old

-Feb. 28, 1985

-original spellings and grammar

That is SO FUNNY to me now!!! By the way, sorry for calling you a brat, Kirsten! I love you! There are plenty of entries like that in the little black book. The whole book is simply oozing with self pity for several years. The topic might change, but the attitude is the same.

The interesting thing is, I don't remember life at home in my teen years with all that angst. I remember a lot of good times sledding in the Winter, playing in the yard (or 'tanning' as much as the Northwest climate would allow) in the Summer, and camping in the Fall. I remember rollerskating, climbing trees, and lazing away hours in some corner of the yard just reading a book.

I remember swimming in the pool dad took so much care to make 'just right'. Oh, the hours he spent smoothing the sand into the perfect indent before laying out the framework! It was in a secluded little spot just off the carport. There was AstroTurf around it and a bucket of water next to it to dip your feet in so that the pool water stayed clean. It was a circular above ground pool and all of us kids would race around in it going one direction until the water on the outer circumference was sloshing out and the center was deeply depressed. Then, on the count of three, we would all turn around and try to swim against the current we had created!

I remember Mom creating full 3 or 4 course dinners EVERY evening. The whole family sat down at the dinner table for a formal evening meal every night. I never appreciated that as a kid. Now I see it as a kind of miracle!

I talk a lot about going to Stake dances in the journal. I never mention the fact that Mom or Dad must have taken the time to drive me to them, then stay up late to come get me and bring me home again. I never even gave it a thought, when I was 15. Of course Mom and Dad are supposed to do that, that is what they exist for, right?

So, what is the point of all of this reminiscing? Many times I have felt horrible about the deterioration of my relationship with my kids. I worry that they will hate me forever and that we will never have the loving relationship we used to share. Looking back at this journal reassures me that that is simply not so. Teenagers see the world, and particularly their parents, through a very narrow lens. In time, they will see me once again through a lens of love and understanding, as I see my parents now.

As a footnote, while reading I have discovered that I was a terrible writer at the age of 15! What terrible spelling, handwriting, and grammar!!!! I am happy to report that Helena is a MUCH better writer than I was at her age.