To Tell the Truth

I haven't written much lately.  That happens when life becomes too stressful and I don't have anything upbeat or humorous to say.   I would love to use this blog to vent, but I have been reluctant to do that from the start because it is read by others.  I don't need advice.  I don't even want encouragement, ungrateful though that sounds.  So, I have kept this blog sunny and cheerful (for the most part), leaving out life's darker, less appealing side.

But today I am going to write it.  All of it.

Well, not all of it.  Some of the things that get me depressed are too dark and deep to be brought into the light.  So, just know that all of what I am about to write is surface depression and that there are a few more deep wounds that I will never share with anyone... for any reason.

First, I feel like I need to explain why it is so hard for me to share.  I was raised by a Norwegian man and a southern woman.  That might sound off the point, but really, it isn't.  My Norwegian father taught me to keep my emotions bottled up.  Norwegians are stoic.  No one else really cares about what you are going through, just the results you can achieve.  My southern mother taught me that no matter how awful things might be on the inside, a true lady will never let it show.  She will smile and show the world that everything is just wonderful, even if it isn't.

So, that is what I have done.  All my life.  When things got too tough, it is easiest to just isolate myself.  I pull away from friends and family.  In that way, I can insulate myself from feeling more.

But, every once in a while, it all gets to be too much and I boil over.  Something prevents me from isolating myself.  My temper flares and I end up saying or doing things I regret later.

Anyways.  Here goes with my list of surface depressants.  In no particular order.

• Finances.  We always seem to run out of paycheck before the end of the month.  I did the taxes and was shocked and dismayed to see just how much money we made last year.  Dismayed because we have literally NOTHING to show for all that work.  We ended up owing an additional $500 in taxes.  On the up side, we had the money to pay it.  The down side?  That is all the money we had. Period.  Now we are mid week with no money to even make it to Friday and bills coming due.  I am 40 years old.  I should have a better handle on things.  We should have a comfortable emergency fund and a healthy nest egg growing for retirement.  I shouldn't have to stress out because my daughter is out of lunch money and I have neither sack lunch groceries nor money to give her.  I really have no one to blame but myself.

• iPod.  It is still broken.  Repairing it is just an expense I can't afford.  I run my first ever half marathon in 1 1/2 weeks.  I will have to use an old mp3 player that has a very limited song list on it.  At least I can feel grateful I have that much. 

• Kids not going to church.  This one is ambiguous.  I struggle with church attendance sometimes, too.  I dislike the stereotype of "Utah Mormons", but like every stereotype, there is a reason it exists.  I think everyone in my family struggles with frustration over the views and attitudes of some of our more narrow minded neighbors.  It is hard to go to church for the gospel's sake when the people there drive you up the wall.

• Being a ( ____ ) Mother.  I really don't think I am a very good mother.  I lack the determination to follow through on discipline.  Chores don't get done and I fail to notice.  I will have asked one of the kids to do something, then fail to pay attention to whether they are doing it or not.  The result of that is that my kids have been trained to say 'yes, I'll do it', then blow it off and not do it at all.  This has bled through to their attitude about school work, which is why both of them struggle with bad grades.  So, while I rail on them to be better students, inside I know it is my fault they aren't because I trained them (inadvertently) to procrastinate.

• Work.  The easiest part of my life.  For the most part, I like what I do.  However, being treated like a second class citizen can really run me down.  Who treats me like a second class citizen?  Many of the other teachers.  In their opinion, stated or otherwise, I am there to provide babysitting time for them while they take their prep time.  To them, the students are always 'theirs', never 'mine'.  If they want to keep someone for an extra 10 minutes, then send them to me mid-lesson, I should just suck it up and deal with it because I am not a 'real' teacher and what I teach is 'fluff'.  If I am late to release the class before theirs so I impinge on their prep time, they get irate.  If they are late bringing their class to me, though, there is no apology and no guilt.  Also, since I am only 'part time' instead of 'full time', I receive a reduced classroom budget.  1,100 students and 3/4 the money a 'regular' classroom teacher gets with his/her 24-36 students.  I also get to pay medical insurance premiums that my 'full time' counterparts don't pay.  Oh, and let's not forget that next year I get to do all of this for less money, since my contract is being reduced.  Less income, more medical insurance premiums, and a smaller classroom budget.  Can't wait.

• House and yard.  When I get depressed, I shut down.  Usually, I read.  Other people have praised me for my reading prowess.  But really?  When I bury myself in a book, it is because I am taking shelter and escaping from my own life, which I find intolerable.  For the past couple of weeks I have buried myself in watching old episodes of 'Bones' on Netflix.  I literally shut out the world as a coping mechanism.  That means that nothing else has gotten done.  The house is a mess.  The messier it gets, the less I want to clean it.  I did clean most of the upstairs today before sitting down to write this, but only because my daughter shamed me into it.  The yard is still a muddy, dirty mess.  I haven't had pride in my yard for over two years now.  I feel ashamed every time I look at it, which is every day.

• And this brings me to why I am writing this in the first place.  Helena's accusations.  She was annoyed with me today and told me some of what she thinks of me.  It hurts to hear her tell me that I am not a good mother or a good friend.  That I am selfish and that is why no one likes me.  That all I ever do is sit on my computer and watch 'Bones'.  That I ought to get off my butt and clean the house.  That I don't know how to be anything other than a teacher.  She said 'teacher' like it was a dirty word.  That I ought to listen without trying to solve. 

So, thanks, Helena.  You are right.  On all counts.  I am selfish and self absorbed.  But I thought it was worth writing this to, what?  Justify myself?  Explain that there is more going on than is seen on the surface?  That even though I have vented about the minor things that get me depressed, they aren't even the true deep down reasons?

I don't know.  Sorry for subjecting you to this rant.  Hopefully I will have something cheerful to write about soon.