Not so Utopian

Why have I been missing in action for so long, you ask?







I shut down when life turns difficult.  The more difficult, the more I retreat.  From this record, anyways.

Things have been hard around here.  Really hard.  Struggles and difficulties that I can't talk about because they are not my tales to tell.  It is not my job to tell all the stories of the world.  Or even all the stories in the family.  I can only tell mine, and the stories of others when they are positive and upbeat.  But when the stories are not upbeat, when the road is rocky, I'm not going to share.  Not even when the stories ARE mine, actually.  Since I can't just go on writing breezy, lighthearted posts when my heartstrings are being plucked, I will remain silent.

It used to be that I wrote in hardbound journals, and I would write EVERYTHING.  For years I did that.  The good and the bad.  And then I discovered something.  When I was feeling happy and looked back through the journals, I saw the good and it confirmed my good mood.  But I also saw the bad, and it brought me down.  Total buzz kill.  When I was feeling down, I'd look back through the journals and ONLY see the bad... confirming my black mood.

So writing about bad times, for me, is a double negative.  Which in this case (unlike in math) does NOT equate to a positive.

So, no.  It's not just the online nature of this journal.  It is a life lesson.  Don't immortalize the negative moments of life.  Don't afford them that honor.  I'm not saying ignore them in the moment.  Bad times happen to everyone, and they need to be dealt with in a healthy way.  For me, writing them down is not a healthy way to deal with them.

I know many would disagree with me.  They might say that getting the thoughts out of my head and verbalizing them would be cathartic.  That without sharing, there can be no healing help from others.  Or even that I create an unrealistically utopian view of my life by editing out the negative.  Please understand.  I am not being completely silent.  I am getting the help needed in the moment.  In real time, real face-to-face interactions with people around me.  I'm not depressed or in danger of becoming so.  I am simply not willing to look back to this point in my life and have anger, frustration, or worry be the permanent record.

Anyways, that is why the hiatus.  Time will smooth the road out, and I will return to my breezy posts and light filled reports of all things wonderful.  My "utopian" record.  ;)