26.2

The race began in Walsburg at 6 am.  In order to be ready at the starting line, Bill and I had to get up at 2:30 am, so he could drive me down to the shuttle buses in Provo.  There were over 2,000 registered entrants for the full marathon, so the organizers said there would be no private drop off at the start of the race (Walsburg is a SMALL town up in the mountains).

2:30 is stupidly early.

I tried to get a full night sleep Thursday night.  Utter fail.  I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight, then Bill's 5 am alarm woke me up completely.  I normally sleep right through it.

So, I tried to get a full night sleep Friday night before the race...

Fail.

I would have had to go to bed at 6 pm to get a full 8 hours.  That's never gonna happen.  So, the goal was 8 pm, but that time shot by as well.  I finally did get in bed at 9 pm...

... then got a phone call at 10 pm and was wide awake for another 30 minutes or more.

Still, 2:30 am arrived.

I did pretty well at eating my breakfast of oatmeal and a banana.  OK, so I only ate half the banana.

I had packed and arranged all my race day gear the night before, so I didn't have to worry about forgetting anything.  I planned to run with a water belt even though there were water/aid stations throughout the course.  I refuel with Shot Blocks and the race only offered Gu gels.  It's important not to change what you do on race day, so the water belt was more to carry my fuel of choice than for the water.  Although it did prove useful to have a little water on me whenever I wanted to rinse the sweat out of my eyes.  I greased myself up with Vaseline to prevent chafing, got dressed, and was ready to leave by 3:00.

Bill dropped me off at the bus loading zone and took off into the mountains for some early morning biking.  I got in line for the bus and met a man named Jason.  We chatted about the race and our families the whole way up to the starting drop off zone.  I tell you what.  That was a LONG bus ride!  I remember a feeling of panic when riding the shuttle for the half marathon.  This was worse.  26 miles is a long way.

The bus dropped us off at 4:30 am alongside a ranch.  The rancher allowed the runners to use his pasture for a staging area.  The whole pasture was full of campfires for the runners to keep warm.

It seemed like most of the people there were running with a friend.  I was alone.  So, I asked to join a group at their campfire.  It turned out that most of that group knew each other and had run several other marathons together.  Still, they were friendly and supportive.  We ended up sitting in that prickly field grass playing campfire games until it was time to turn in our drop bags and line up at the starting line.

Drop bags are used to stuff your warm-up gear and anything else you want to bring to the race.  The organizers chuck them all in a rental truck and haul it down to the finish line for you.  After the race, you can collect your drop bag because it has your bib number attached to it.  Mine had my sweat jacket (for before the race), my flip-flops (for after the race), tissues and other random minor items.

Lining up for a race, you find a race pacer holding a sign with the time you want to try to finish the race in.  The fastest race pacers are to the front of the line.  I headed to the back of the line.  Let's face it.  I know I'm not fast.  My only goal was to actually finish this monster.  Based on my longest training run, I thought I'd be doing really great if I finished in 5 hours, but the reality would probably be closer to 5 1/2 hours.

In the final countdown everyone around me was chatting and getting encouragement from each other and from the race pacer nearest us.  In fact, I was so caught up in listening to the chatter that the race began before I even realized!  The big surge only happens at the front of the column.  At the back, we just started walking calmly forward until we got to the starting arch, then began our run.

I won't give you a blow by blow of every single awesome-beautiful-uplifting-inspiring-challenging-tough-discouraging-painful-agonizing mile.  Instead, here are some highlights...


The early part of the race was cool because we were high in the mountains and the sun wasn't up, yet.  The mid part of the race was cool because we were still in the canyon and the cliffs formed huge shadows that keep a near perpetual pre-sunrise chill in the air.  The last part of the race was HOT because we were out of the canyon, running in the full blaze of the summer sun in the middle of the city.

Oh, the scenery was beautiful!  I live here and I know the canyon very well.  Still, running through it gives so much more time to soak in the views than driving it.  Rolling hills, red barns, white rail fences, shimmering water in the river and the reservoir, green pine forests, rugged cliffs, waterfalls, and wildflowers.

For a downhill course, there sure were plenty of uphills.  I knew I couldn't run the entire course non-stop, so I decided to walk the uphills.  That way I could use the momentum of the downhill running to try to improve on my training time.  That seemed to work well.  When an uphill section drew near, I picked a spot on the hill where I would give myself permission to slow to a walk.  Then, as I neared the crest, I chose another spot there I had to start running again.

Once, while I was walking an uphill, another participant joined me.  I couldn't tell her age.  She might have been my age; she might have been younger.  Her hair was bleached white and her skin was very dark.  She looked too trim and fit to be with us slower runners, but at the same time, she looked like she had lived life hard and fast... if that makes any sense.  We chatted for a while and she told me all about the person she was supposed to be running with in the race.  He was her boyfriend and chose to run with her despite not being a runner himself.  He used to be clean and sober, but had recently fallen off the bandwagon and was drinking and smoking weed again.  He had fallen behind and she was worried about him.  She was walking in the hopes that he would catch up to her.

Then she told me that he hits her, sometimes.

Holy $*#@!

I had listened to her tale about her boyfriend and held my tongue, despite thinking he was pathetic, but I couldn't remain quiet any longer.  I told her emphatically that she needed to leave him!  I advised her to turn him in to the authorities.  I told her she deserved better and that NO ONE had the right to hit her!  I asked her if she had family near by (she is living with her parents).  We were well on the downhill side and my "run" marker had come and gone, but I kept walking and talking with her.

In the end, I had to leave her.  I couldn't walk the whole race.  I wished her well and continued on my way.  I don't remember her name, and I will probably never see her again, but I hope she finds the courage to get him out of her life!

Other runners came and went on my radar.  Only a few others stand out, for me.

One such runner was named John.  He and I had been leap frogging for most of the lower canyon.  We walked together for a little while at the base of the canyon.  He was an older gentleman with a handlebar mustache.  This was his 300th marathon.

300th!!!

He started running them in the 80's.  He was so friendly.  He complimented me on my "power walk" (I wouldn't let my walking speed drop below 4 1/2 mph) and advised me to cut from corner to corner of the road on turns to make sure I wasn't adding mileage to the race.  I told him my hope to finish at around 5hr 15min and he said that while it'd be tough, he believed I could make it.  He pulled away as we entered the city.  I could see him turning to look back and check on me every once and a while.  But he had some amazing reserves of speed in him that weren't in me, so I watched him go and kept on going at the best pace I could manage...

...because by then I was in pain.

Oh!  The first half of the race was SO BEAUTIFUL!  I really enjoyed the first 15 miles.  In fact, it wasn't until around mile 18 that I started to hurt.  Mile 21 is when it truly got tough.  By then I was in new territory.  I had never pushed myself that far, before.  By mile 23, I was in agony.  My knees hurt, but it was my feet that were causing my distress.  They were on FIRE!  Every step was piercing.  It felt like I was ripping the soles off my feet.  At one point, my mind was entirely filled with the pain in my feet until I finally had to tell myself, "yes, there is pain.  It is not going away.  Accept it, put it out of your mind, and keep going."

The last 3 miles felt like they lasted forever.  My body wanted to quit, but my mind was locked and rock solid.  I was gonna finish this thing.  Only 3 measly miles stood between me and my goal.  There were water stations at every mile marker for those last 3 miles, so I drank a Powerade, drank a water, and doused myself with a water each time and forced myself to keep moving forward.

I don't think I can put into words the feeling when I saw the finish line in the distance.  Overwhelming  emotions!  Knowing it was almost over, if I could just hold out a little bit longer!  I had sent Bill texts at 13.1 miles, 10 miles, 5, 3, 2, and 1 mile.  I forced myself to run the last half mile non-stop.  I wanted to finish strong.

Mom, Dad, and Paul (my brother-in-law) were waiting to cheer me at the 26 mile marker.  Bill and Will were at the finish line.  I found out later that my visiting teaching partner, Leanna, came down and watched me finish without telling me she was going to do so!  She is so awesome!

Yes, I choked up as I crossed the line.

Bill and Will came to find me right away.  Bill had made up an entire lunch cooler full of post race awesomeness!  He made a bottle of chocolate milk mixed just the way I like it.  He had a couple of frozen bottles of water that he used as a roller massage on my legs and to ice my knees.  There was a protein shake and a couple of Cokes.  He and Will ended up drinking the Cokes, though.  I didn't want them.  Will went and got my drop bag for me so I could strip off the shoes and socks and put my flip-flops on.

Mom, Dad, and Paul found me and we all sat on the City Hall steps as Bill massaged my legs.  You are supposed to walk off the race, not sit down and, yes, I did walk around all afternoon, but I'll save that story for another post.

My official time was 5 hours, 19 minutes, 10 seconds.  That is just crazy!  Who would want to spend that much time running?!  Me, apparently.

After saying good-bye to Mom, Dad, and Paul, we headed to the car.  Bill had parked it on the second level of a parking structure, so Will and I waited in the shade while Bill brought it down.  There was no way I wanted to walk up to it.  While we waited, my campfire buddies came walking up!  And... John was with them!  They all recognized me and we high-fived (and John gave me a hug) as they congratulated me on completing my first marathon.  One of them pointed out to me that there was a blister on the side of my foot.  I hadn't even noticed it.  The pain in the soles of my feet had completely masked it.


So, here we are... A day later.  Delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS) has set in with a vengeance.  I feel like someone has beaten me with a baseball bat.  Everything from my chest down just HURTS!  I can barely stand.  Besides the blister, I also have 4 toenails (two on each foot) that look like they are going to die and fall off.

But, I am so very happy!  I conquered myself and completed this huge goal.  Now I plan to enjoy my summer just doing whatever workout strikes my fancy.  Running will return to its rightful place as only one of many things I like to do, instead of consuming all my workouts.

Thanks to everyone who has supported my in this crazy journey to marathon!  It means a lot to me.

Will I ever do it again?






I think so!

17 years ago...

Today is Will's Birthday!

SEVENTEEN!  AHHH!

This is another of those moments where I wonder where all the time went?

Gah.  I'm starting to get old.

Will was born in the wee early hours of May 23, 1996.  For those of you who didn't know, I actually chose to have a home birth.  One of the craziest things I have ever done in my life.  And yet, one of the best, too!  It was such an amazing experience!

And he was such a BIG baby!  9 lbs. 4 oz.

Then he was such a skinny and lightweight kid.  There was a time when he was on doctor's orders to GAIN weight.  Yeah.  The rest of America is struggling with childhood obesity and I'm buying protein shakes for my son to drink with his meals.

Will was the antsy kid who was loved by his teachers, despite aggravating them to death.  I remember one elementary teacher telling me that he purposefully asked Will a question he thought Will couldn't answer because he had been sure Will hadn't been paying attention.  The teacher was trying to trip him up.  Will gave the correct answer.

Because Will is wicked smart.

His mind makes the most intuitive leaps I've ever seen.

We were working together on his pre-calculus the other day, and I was struggling to wrap my mind around a particular equation.  I can't remember what it was, exactly, but it was full of sines and cosines and angles and variables.  He suddenly burst out with, "Oh!  It's just like y=mx+b!"  Once he said it, I could see that he was right, but my mind probably would have never made that leap.

I'm better than he is at the routine, mundane algebraic mechanics, but his mind wraps around the abstract parts of higher math in a way that makes me almost jealous.  It makes me sad that he says he dislikes math.

As a kid, his favorite TV show was NOVA.

Now Will is pushing 6'2".  He is still super skinny.  But muscular too, in a wiry kind of way.  As he finishes growing in height, I'm pretty sure he'll spend his late teens and early twenties filling out and getting more broad chested.


*****


For his birthday today, Helena and Matt took him to see the new Star Trek movie.  Once everyone was home, we picked up Will's girlfriend, Brenna, and we all went out to dinner.  Will's dinner choice was Hibachi House.

Once home again, we did a rather horrific rendition of the "Happy Birthday" song (no, really, it was bad) and embarrassed the crap out of him before giving him his presents.

My present to him will be a laptop.  We are going to sit down and find one together.  The nicest refurbished one that I can afford.

Bill's present to Will is a rifle.  Sort of.  It is more of a loan than an outright gift.  It is an old gun that has been in Bill's family a long time.

Now Will is doing what he wanted to do all along for his birthday... spending time with his girlfriend.  He and Brenna are downstairs watching "Mission Impossible".  Helena has gone home, Matt is off in his room, and Bill and I are in the living room being old people (I guess).

But he will always be my little boy in my heart.

I love you, Will!  Happy Birthday!

Matt Came Home!

So many big changes around here!

Matt contacted us asking to come back home.  We were thrilled!  He said he hoped to be home before Will's birthday on the 23rd of May.  He just didn't quite have enough money to make it up here, yet.

Then we found out about a possible job opportunity for him here... if he could get here quickly.

He still didn't have enough money to get himself here, so we chipped in and paid for a u-haul to get him part way.  Matt drove the u-haul to St. George, and Bill drove down to meet him and bring him the rest of the way home.  In hindsight, it probably would have been cheaper to just rent a u-haul for the full distance, but we weren't the ones making the reservations, and really, we were piecing together the finances to get this done.

This all happened on Mother's Day.

I told Helena and Will that their dad had been called away on an emergency job.  Something about a broken pipe and a flooded basement.  They bought it completely, because that kind of thing has happened before.  They were a little disappointed, because it was Mother's Day, after all, and we planned to spend it together.

So, it was extra fun to see the looks on their faces when Bill pulled up in his work truck, towing a trailer... with MATT!  Oh!  The looks on their faces were priceless!

Now Matt is home!  He is living in Helena's old room, for now.  He is broke and doesn't have a job, yet.  He has applied several places, including the job opportunity I already mentioned, but hasn't heard back from anyone, so far.

Having him back home is a bit of a struggle and an adjustment for both us and him.  He is used to being on his own and having no one care about where he goes or what he does.  We want to know those kinds of things.  No, we're not just nosy.  He is borrowing one of our cars until he can get his feet under him.  He is living in our house for the same reason.  We love him and are so glad to have him back home, but we are realistic about the fact that he is 25, and should really be finding a place of his own as soon as possible.

So, keep him in your thoughts and prayers.  Keep your fingers crossed that he gets a job soon and can save up enough to get his own place.  Pray that he finds a good living situation that is nearby and affordable.  Pray that he finds a good deal on a reliable car.  Pray that he does start school (one of his goals while he is here) and that he does well at it.

But, oh, it is good to have the whole family here, again!

Helena's Place

Right after Bill and I got back from Hawaii, Helena packed up and moved out.

That sounds bad, but is actually an awesome thing.

When you say someone packed up and moved out, it makes it sound like there was some emotional blow up and the move was done in anger.  That is so far from the truth!

We knew she'd be moving out.  The only reason she waited until after we got back from Hawaii was so she and Will could stay together and look out for each other while we were gone.

So, as soon as we got home, she began packing.

Helena's best friend's name is Megan.  Megan lives in an apartment in her grandparent's basement two towns over.  Helena moved in with her and another girl, named Lindsay.  I think it is the best possible first step to independence.  There are grandparents upstairs to turn to for help, and the rent is cheaper than anything else she would possibly find, again, because it is grandma and grandpa discounted.  Three college aged girls living in a basement apartment.  Sounds like such an adventure, doesn't it?

The catch?  There are only two bedrooms and apparently the girls don't intend to share a room.  So, Helena has a bed set up in the corner of the kitchen.  Weird, right?!?  But the girls are all happy with the arrangement, Megan's grandparents are fine with it, too... so, okay!

Helena left a bunch of stuff here, and her bedroom has not turned into a guest room, yet.  She still comes over often... at least once a week she comes home.  She even stays overnight from time to time, especially if there is too much "month at the end of her paycheck" as the saying goes, and she wants to save some money on gas or food.  She even comes home to "shop" in my pantry occasionally.

Helena leaving was really hard for me.  I missed her horribly, at first.  I got all sad and would just go stand in her half empty bedroom and look around at the things she left behind.  I'd get all nostalgic and weepy, remembering times gone by.  Oh, I wish they didn't have to grow up!  But I also often wish they'd just grow up so I won't have to be responsible for them anymore!  I know.  I'm messed up in the head.

Now that some time has gone by, I am better about it.  I'm not so depressed that my little girl is off having college aged adventures.  But, still, my mood always perks up when Helena comes home.

27

That is Will's score on his first try at the ACT.

I think it is pretty fantastic!  He out-scored both his Dad and his sister, and this was just his first try, going in cold turkey.  Most kids naturally improve their score by about 2-3 points on their second try just by being more familiar with the testing procedure.  He probably beat me, too, but since I never took the ACT, I guess we'll never know.

That's right.  I never took the ACT.

I took the SAT.  I'm sure the scores are floating around the scrapbook pile somewhere.

Will plans to take the ACT again in the fall and hopes to get a 30.

It is gratifying to see test scores that verify what I've known all along...

Will is one smart kid!  He has the high intelligence and IQ that will allow him to be whatever he choses to become in life.  Not everyone is so blessed.

He actually does not do well in school.  His grades are average, or even below average.  There will be no scholarships waiting for him upon graduation.  He simply does poorly in a traditional academic setting.  It doesn't have to be that way.  He could succeed if he put his mind to it and decided it was something he wants.  That is frustrating to me.  He has no desire for academic achievement.  He puts up with school for my sake.  I want him to go to college, but I have a hard time visualizing him as successful in traditional college classes based on his high school performance.  Still, I hope he does go, and I know he can be successful at it... if he has the right frame of mind about it.

Last year his math teacher tried to limit our registration choice to College Prep Math (instead of Pre-Calculus) due to his grades.  I had to go in and see the counselor about it.  His counselor took one look at his test scores (not the ACT, but the state core tests) and agreed with me... that Will needed to be in Pre-Calculus.  The counselor was able to bypass the math teacher's meddling and unlock the registration for us.  Will's grades in Pre-Calculus are not great, but he definitely has learned a lot in that class this year.

So have I.  I have done all of Will's homework side by side with him this year.  You see, I never took Pre-Calculus, or Calculus.  I got sidetracked into a College Prep style math course in high school, myself.  In fact, while in college, I took TWO YEARS of college French in order to avoid one class of advanced mathematics.  Stupid, huh?  There I was, conjugating verbs, reading French literature, and writing essays in French (oh, the agony) for two freaking years just to avoid learning one semester of what turns out to be really awesome math stuff!  Yeah, I'm a special kind of stupid.

Anyways, this turned into quite a ramble of a post.  I'm proud of you, Will.  You are one smart cookie!

Over the Limit

I am still training for the marathon.  It is less than a month away.

Several weeks ago, I ran 16.5 miles and my knees REALLY did not like it!  I ended up walking the majority of the last two miles and I was very frustrated.  The following weekend, I decided to cut my long run down to 10 miles, just to give my knees a bit of a break.  That was working out great, until I pulled something in my lower left leg about 1.6 miles from the end of the run.  Gah.  I limped along, calling each family member in turn, to see if anyone was close enough to home to come and pick me up.  No one was even remotely close.  So, I limped on home for 1.6 miles.  I iced it all day, but it still took about a week before I was able to "run" again.  Now I am back to running, but I seem to have lost all ambition.  I should be running 20 miles by now (in my training schedule), but I don't seem to have the motivation to do more than 7 or 8 miles at a time.  :~/

Ah well.  I still plan to "run" the marathon in a few weeks.  My time on it will probably be terrible, but at least I'll be able to check it off the bucket list and go back to the kinds of workouts I enjoy doing!

I do enjoy running... for about an hour or less.  After that it just becomes WORK.  I'm not a marathoner, after all.  I need to stick to the 10K to Half Marathon distance.

I also enjoy riding my bike... when it isn't a race.

I can't wait to get back to swimming, too!  I've spent all this spring focused almost exclusively on running, with only one cross training workout per week.  I can't wait to just go back to swim/bike/run/kayak/weights... and doing them whenever I want!

But all of that isn't really what I wanted to talk about today.

Despite all my exercising, I haven't lost ANY weight.

I know it shouldn't matter.  My heart is healthy.  My body is healthy.  That is what should matter.

But I want a flat tummy.  I want the flab and fat gone.  Bottom line.

So, I have decided that I simply have to gain control of some kind over my diet.

Did you know that I gave up soda last November?  Okay, I admit, I drank one in Hawaii.  But I discovered that it tasted terrible!  Woah.  I used to LOVE the taste of Dr. Pepper!  Now it just tastes like bitter chemicals to me.  HURRAY!  I am actually really glad for that "cheat" soda, because before I drank it, I struggled with my willpower every time we ate out, because I was remembering that wonderful taste.  Now, it is super easy to go for a non-soda beverage, because I know soda won't taste good.

I thought giving up soda would be the magic bullet for weight loss.  People are always saying, "I gave up soda and dropped 20 lbs!"  Yeah, not me.

So.  It is time for a new challenge.  I feel like I have won the soda fight, and it is time for a new battle.

I am going to track my sugars.

That's it.  No calorie counting.  No worrying about ratios of proteins and carbs.  Just count those stinkin' sugars.

So far today I am up to 57 grams.  That is just breakfast (oatmeal w/butter, 1 tsp. of sugar, and cinnamon &  a glass of milk) and lunch (frozen burritos w/sour cream & salsa & a glass of milk).

How many sugar grams am I supposed to have in a day?

50-60 grams.

Well, sha-poopie.

I'm already at the limit at 3:00 in the afternoon.  That's without any treats, too.  Dinner will take me over.

This is gonna be a hard fight.

I can tell immediately that I'm gonna have to curb my milk addiction.  Milk has 12 grams per cup.  So, I'm gonna have to cut my portions in half, I think.

I'll let you know how it's going in a month or two.

Suicide

On a Sunday morning, one week after we got back from Hawaii, a classmate of Will's committed suicide.  Although Will and this boy were not best of friends, they were friendly and had known one another for years.  Will sat next to him in a couple of classes and thought of him as a really great guy.  A nice, friendly, smiling kid.  A well liked kid.  So his sudden and tragic death really shocked Will, and the entire community, for that matter.

We received official notification of his suicide from the school through e-mail only an hour or two after word had spread on Facebook and Twitter.  The school notification was to let parents know that the counselors at the school would be available all day on Monday for students who needed help with grieving and coming to terms with his death.  Will ended up spending the entire day in the counselor's office.  He just couldn't bring himself to go sit in class with his friend's empty seat right next to him.

Will really struggled with his emotions.  At home, his emotions switched from anger to love and endearment and back to anger all day long.  It hurt to see him so upset, and I worried about him.  

I also went through a surprising amount of really strong emotions, even though I had never met Will's friend.  I couldn't get his poor parents and siblings out of my mind.  I was close to tears for days.  I watched Will closely and wanted nothing more than to just hug him and love on him.  But, he is nearly 17, and doesn't appreciate a clingy mom.

The funeral was held on Wednesday.  Will asked for permission to leave school and attend the funeral, which I granted.  He seemed to be much more at peace after the funeral.  I wonder how often he thinks of his friend.  I worry about his mental health.  Is my own son at risk for suicide?  

The weird thing is, I am currently completing a suicide prevention course the district requires of me in order to renew my teaching license next month.  When I started the class a couple of months ago, I barely paid enough attention to take the quizes and check it off so I could move on with my recertification.  Suicide prevention isn't seen as a high priority for elementary teachers.  It is a secondary schools issue.  Now I am laser focused on everything presented and wonder if anything more could have been done to save the life of Will's friend.  

A month has gone by, and Will never speaks about it.  I know that it has left a mark on him, though, as it must have for all the students in the Junior class.  

Such a terrible waste of a beautiful, young life.

Hawaii

Okay.  Here I go at trying to do the promised updates.

First, Hawaii.

No, I will not load this post up with pictures.  Sorry.  If you were hoping for that, the pictures are on Facebook.  I've been frustrated at the fact that blogger has a limited capacity for pictures and every time I load a new one, it deletes an old one.  If you click on an old post of mine, you will see where the photos have been replaced with a black rectangle with a gray dash in it.  Thanks, Blogger, for destroying my blog.  I would have switched to a different platform by now... but let's face it, I'm struggling to find the time to blog, let alone transfer to a new site.

Anyways, back to Hawaii.

Bill and I flew out on the Monday after Easter.  It was Spring Break for Will and me.  That was critical to the timing.  Technically, our 20th anniversary has yet to happen (it's on May 8th... tomorrow!!), but there was no way I was going to take off during school and hope that Will would actually get himself to school for a week.  So, we went during a school holiday.  I felt horribly guilty about leaving the kids.  I wanted to take them with us, but there was no way we could afford to.  As it was, we stretched our resources to the limit just so we could go.  Besides, taking the kids along is a real anniversary kill-joy.  So, despite the guilt, we left the kids at home to fend for themselves.

That got some raised eyebrows from some of my coworkers and friends.  They thought I was nuts leaving two teens at home alone for a week.  But, hey, they are 19 and 16 (nearly 17).  They don't need a babysitter.  I was fairly confident they could handle themselves while I was gone.  And I was right.

This was the first time I have flown since prior to 9/11/01.  I know.  It really has been that long.  I have sent my kids off on adventures, but I have always traveled by car.  It's not that I was afraid to fly, but I don't have to travel for work, and it's just too darned expensive to fly for fun!  So, this was my first personal experience with the TSA security circus.

Flying has changed, but I thought the screening process was pretty non-intrusive and quick.  Maybe because I wasn't singled out?  Anyways, we were through security pretty fast and sitting down to a meal in the airport while waiting for our flight.  It was cheaper to eat in the airport than pay for a meal mid flight.  Oh, I will say this about security... on our flight home I packed a water bottle filled with sand into my carry on, not thinking anything of it.  It tripped security measures.  They had to pull it out, inspect it, pour some out onto litmus papers and test it with chemicals to make sure it wasn't, you know, bomb stuff, then send my carry on through the scanner again without the bottle... oi.  In the end, they gave it all back to me with a smile and wishes for a safe journey.  The whole thing was very friendly.  I'm sure they've had to test plenty of bottles of sand.  {rolling my eyes}

I spent the flight to Hawaii watching movies on the screen in the seat back in front of me.  Nice!  When we got to Hawaii, there was a glitch getting to the car rental place, due to poor communications.  But, we finally go there and picked up our RED Mustang convertible!  Bill hated it, but I enjoyed it very much!  Except I think the steering wheel gets in the way of seeing the speedometer.

Well, I'm not going to really give you a blow by blow of the entire week.  You'd fall asleep, and who really wants to read all about someone else's vacation?

I'll just say that it was sunny and wonderful and fun beyond all reason!  Life is lived at a much slower pace there.  We spent every waking moment outside, and even kept the sliding glass door of our room wide open all night long to enjoy the breezes and sounds of the surf.  We surfed and snorkeled, hiked, biked, ran, and sunbathed.  We did the traditional tourist stuff; Pearl Harbor, Hanauma Bay, Valley of Temples, and the Polynesian Cultural Center.  But we also did normal people stuff like grocery shopping for half our meals and jogging the local workout trails.  We were even given the locals discout (Kama aina discount)  once by a friendly server at an off-the-beaten-track hole-in-the-wall Jack In The Box.

Maybe it is because we just went through all the fuss of security at the airport, but I did notice the complete LACK of security at the resort.  We stayed at Turtle Bay Resort on the North Shore.  The lobby was open air and there were no locks to the stairwells or elevators.  However, despite that, I never felt it was a problem.  Turtle Bay Resort is on the North Shore of Oahu.  It is a rural setting.  So peaceful!  It really was the perfect place to get away and unwind.  I'd go back in a heartbeat.

The only black spot on our whole vacation happened only hours before we left the island.  We had checked out of the resort and finished touring the Byodo-In temple (the Buddhist temple in the Valley of Temples), but we still had a couple of hours to kill before heading to the airport.  Since there was a movie theater across the street from where we were, we decided to take in a show.  We were practically the only people in the theater, since it was a mid-day weekday showing.  When we came out of the theater, we discovered that someone has hit our rental car and drove away!  AURGH!  We called the police, the rental agency, and my insurance.  Everyone was very kind about it and even that stressful event didn't ruin my vacation.

Now we're home and I'm wishing I could live in Hawaii.  But, at least I only have a few weeks left before summer vacation begins here at home and I can fill my days with fun in the sun, homestyle!

And So It Goes...

Uh-huh.

I got too busy again, today.  But we had a great family dinner with both Helena and Will home!  {Happy, happy!}

Maybe tomorrow?

Sigh.

Too Much to Write About...

OK.  So I know I have neglected this thing something fierce.  I apologize.  There is lots to tell you, and I'm not going to be able to do everything justice in one post.  I think that's part of the problem.  If I don't get things recorded right away, they start stockpiling in my mind and it gets overwhelming thinking of all the things I need to write about.  I really haven't forgotten about writing, you see.  I am constantly composing posts in my head.  Unfortunately, most of those posts never happen because I am not in a position to actually write them in the moment.  So what you read on the blog is only a fraction of what gets composed in my head.  Then, if it piles up in my head, you don't get to read any of it because I get shut down by thinking of how much catching up I have to do.  And, the "catch up" posts are never as vivid and detail rich as the original composition in my head.  So, again, sorry about that!

What have you missed?

• Bill and I traveled to Oahu for a week to celebrate our 20th anniversary.  Lots of stories to tell you.  Awesome pictures will be posted to Facebook at some point... probably.

• As soon as we got back, Helena moved out and is now living with her best friend in a basement apartment two towns over.  I am super sad she is no longer my little girl and I miss her something fierce!

• On the same weekend Helena moved out, one of Will's classmates (and friend) committed suicide.  I did not know the boy, but man!  It made me so sad for his family and worried about my own son and his mental health.  I am exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions between joy on my anniversary trip, and grief the following week for the senseless loss of this young man.

• Will took the ACT for the first time back in March and got a FANTASTIC score!  We're super proud of his brains.

• We refinanced the house to a 10 year term with a rockstar interest rate.  It will save us tens of thousands of dollars without changing our monthly payment!  Yeah, baby!

• I am still training for the marathon, though it is painful and difficult.  Today's run was 16.5 miles.  I doubt I will ever do another marathon after crossing this one off my bucket list.  I am even considering removing the full Ironman from the bucket list simply because 26.2 miles of running is super hard on my knees.

• Will is off on another National Guard drill weekend.  He still plans to enlist on his 17th birthday.  I can feel how very little time I have left with him before he, too, moves out.  With Helena and Will both gone, the house feels WAY too quiet and empty.  I find myself wandering into their rooms and just standing there, feeling sad.

Each one of these things deserves its own post.  I will try to work my way through them tomorrow.  That should be a good Sunday activity, right?

And Then There Was Mud

MARCH IS HERE

!!!!

That means that Spring is on its way!  Hale-freaking-lujah!!!

We have been snow and ice bound for almost 3 months.  With the turn of the season was are finally starting to see the ground again.  It made it all the way up to 49* F yesterday and half of the snow in my yard is gone now...

... as is the ice on my driveway.

We have been driving and parking on 2-3" of solid ice all winter long.  Not a pretty sheet of ice, mind you.  An undulating hills-and-valleys kind of ice formed by car tires compressing all the snow.  The only bare patches were the spots the cars sit on.  So, when I backed into the driveway, I could tell I was in the correct spot when my car settled down into the depression formed in the ice.

Anyways, that ice is all but gone.

In its place is a puddly, boggy mess of gravel and mud.

Oh, hurray.

But, you know what?  I'LL TAKE IT!  I am just so thrilled to have the days above freezing!  In fact, I think I'm going to go for a run... OUTSIDE!  Ahhhhhhh.

Life's Mosaic

It has been a difficult few days.  It is not always fun to be the momma.  Sometimes you have to be brave enough to speak hard truths even though your children may hate you for it.  Hopefully, only temporary hate, though.  The hope is that they will see the love behind the words and find they are still able to love their momma despite it all.

I try to keep perspective when I am feeling down and despised by someone I love.  I try to remember that there are much worse things than having your child angry at you.  I have faced harder things.  Like the death of a loved one.  I will take my child's fierce anger over that anguish any day.

We have all had good days, even great days.  Days filled with laughter and sunlight and joy.  They are often unexpected gifts.  Just this past week I was doing who knows what upstairs and stopped just to listen to and enjoy the sound of two almost grown girls laughing together in the basement bathroom as they got ready to go out for the evening.  It reminded me of so many other laughing, fun moments I have had the privilege to be witness to as my children have grown.

Life is so full of brightness.  We sometimes forget that when we are struggling and down.  Hard times can leave us feeling that the darkness is all there is and we start to lose hope.  We can go for days, weeks, or even months or years struggling with dark and difficult times.  When that happens, we begin to wonder why God has forsaken us.  Why hasn't he answered our prayers?  Why do we suffer in the dark?

And then I thought of something.

I thought of the moments of my life like the pieces of a mosaic.  Each day of my life, each moment I live through, is a piece of that mosaic.  On the good and beautiful days, I am placing a brightly colored piece in the mosaic.  On hard or difficult days, I am placing a dark piece into the mosaic.  As I work, I can only see one small piece of the whole artwork.  Only one small portion of my life.  It is easy to loose perspective when that is the case. I can't tell you how many times I have told my students to step back and look at their work from a distance... to see the whole picture and gain a new perspective.

Such it is with our lives.  If we could see our lives through God's eyes... see the whole mosaic with all the light and dark pieces in their proper places... we would see a beautiful soul in the process of evolving into something wondrous and extraordinary.  A mosaic of only light pieces would be bland and uninteresting.  A mosaic of only dark pieces would be dreary and equally uninteresting.  But the patterning of light and dark... that makes the composition stronger.  And stunning to behold.

No one wants dark and difficult days.  No one wants trials or tribulations.  Yet, when looking back on them, we recognize their worth.  I am a stronger, more empathetic person for the darkness I have overcome.  I can serve and lift others who are struggling in similar ways.  I am who I am because of all the experiences I have lived through; not just the happy, easy moments.  In fact, it is actually the difficult times that refine character and make us stronger.

Am I asking for more dark pieces in the mosaic of my life?  Absolutely not!  But I recognize that there is a reason for the struggles, and a purpose and pattern to all we experience in this life.

Remember to step back from time to time and look at the bigger picture.

Seeing it can give you strength.