Helena's physical education class is going on a field trip tomorrow to Soldier Hollow for cross country skiing. I signed up a couple of weeks ago to go as a chaperon. They need to maintain a reasonable adult/student ratio in order to go. I have been excited and looking forward to going for quite a while.
The other day, Helena (keep in mind that she is 15 now) gave me a list of things she does not want me to do while on the field trip. On the list;
~Don't talk too much
~Don't sit by her on the bus
~Don't laugh too loud (apparently I do)
~Don't act like a teacher
~Don't sit by her on the bus
~Don't laugh too loud (apparently I do)
~Don't act like a teacher
Yesterday, she asked if maybe I could just cancel and not come at all. She stated 'I am not in 3rd grade! I don't need my mom babysitting me!' She also admitted that she is embarrassed of me.
You know, there was a time when she would have been absolutely beaming about being one of the kids with a parent on the field trip. Back in early elementary school, that is. Now, I have apparently crossed some invisible line of no return. Heavy sigh. Am I going to cancel? NO WAY! Apart from the fact that I actually want to go, it would be the height of rudeness to back out at the last minute and leave the teacher one chaperon short. And there is my substitute teacher to consider. I arranged for a sub to take my classes and she is now anticipating the income.
I wish growing up didn't include this pulling away. I try not to take it personally, after all, I remember being 15, too. But it still hurts. I realize now that I probably hurt my mom all those years ago when it was me giving my mom a list of things not to do so she wouldn't embarrass me. Figuratively speaking, of course. I can't remember precisely giving her a list, and she certainly never came on any upper school field trips because she was too busy taking care of my younger brothers and sisters to come. However, I remember being so wrapped up in concern for how I was perceived at school and with my peers that I didn't want my mom around. Sorry, mom, for being an insensitive teenager!
Still, the older the kids get, the less my life is defined by them. I begin to see a future of just Bill and me. I realize that having my daughter be 'embarrassed' by my presence is not the end of the world. I hope someday she will come around and appreciate me again. In the meantime, I am going on the field trip. Who knows? She may find out that it was fun to have me there after all and will be able to look back on it as a fond memory.
You know, there was a time when she would have been absolutely beaming about being one of the kids with a parent on the field trip. Back in early elementary school, that is. Now, I have apparently crossed some invisible line of no return. Heavy sigh. Am I going to cancel? NO WAY! Apart from the fact that I actually want to go, it would be the height of rudeness to back out at the last minute and leave the teacher one chaperon short. And there is my substitute teacher to consider. I arranged for a sub to take my classes and she is now anticipating the income.
I wish growing up didn't include this pulling away. I try not to take it personally, after all, I remember being 15, too. But it still hurts. I realize now that I probably hurt my mom all those years ago when it was me giving my mom a list of things not to do so she wouldn't embarrass me. Figuratively speaking, of course. I can't remember precisely giving her a list, and she certainly never came on any upper school field trips because she was too busy taking care of my younger brothers and sisters to come. However, I remember being so wrapped up in concern for how I was perceived at school and with my peers that I didn't want my mom around. Sorry, mom, for being an insensitive teenager!
Still, the older the kids get, the less my life is defined by them. I begin to see a future of just Bill and me. I realize that having my daughter be 'embarrassed' by my presence is not the end of the world. I hope someday she will come around and appreciate me again. In the meantime, I am going on the field trip. Who knows? She may find out that it was fun to have me there after all and will be able to look back on it as a fond memory.
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