17 Years Ago, Today...

... I became a mother for the first time!

Helena was born 17 years ago today.  It seems like such a long time ago when you say it like that.  It really does seem like forever ago when I look at this big grown up girl and remember the bitty baby placed in my arms that day.

When I was released from the hospital, I remember just about panicking that the hospital workers were sending me off with this little bundle of life!  I didn't feel remotely ready.  I felt like there ought to be some sort of test, or something, to prove that I could handle it.  If there was such a test, I was sure I would have failed it.  I wanted a manual, or something.

Looking back on it, we were too young.

We were 23 years old and very poor.  We lived in a tiny run down apartment on my husband's small salary.  I was still a college student, and suddenly became a stay at home mother.  We owned very little, and what we did have was hand-me-downed from other family members.  Those were the days when I dreaded the daily delivery of the mail, for the bills it would contain.  We were still newlyweds and I was still adjusting to the responsibilities of being married and keeping house.

It was a dark and cold winter that year.  I remember that because I felt so closed in that winter.  It was too cold to take a baby out, and my apartment had very few windows, so it felt like a cave.

She was a colicky baby.  She cried nearly non-stop for the first three months.  There were times in the middle of the nights where I would just put her on the floor of the hallway, sit down next to her, and cry right along with her because I was so tired and worn out with it all.  There were even times that I was afraid to hold her because I was so tired and, yes, angry, that I was sure I would hurt her.  So, yes, there were times that I didn't want to be the mom.

Like I said, we were too young.

Then, Spring came.

We were still very poor.  Bill had to sell personal items one by one to make ends meet.  I remember being so sad the day he sold his beat up old truck to help pay the bills.

But, with the warmer weather, my baby transformed.  It is almost as if the sunny weather brought a new personality with it, and Helena became a real person to me.  There was a spark of humor and mischievousness in her eyes that is still there to this day.  She didn't smile so much as grin; and constantly!

At that point, my life changed.

Being a mom became fun.  It became the most important and fulfilling part of my life.  Nothing could take the place of mothering in my life as a means of making me feel important.  I LOVED being the center of the universe for that little life that was mine, all mine!

Nowadays, I am no longer the center of her universe.  But she is still mine, all mine!  I love her dearly and I still feel that being her mother (and mom to her brother) is the most important and fulfilling part of my life.  She might doubt that, since I do enjoy my teaching job so much.  But I want her to know that being her mother is the most important thing I have ever, or ever will, do with my life.  Nothing can compare to it.  I like my job.  But I LOVE being a mom.

I hope someday (in the distant future ;)  ), she will get to be one, too!

So, Happy Birthday, Helena!  I love you!!!